


Hidden Wounds

by MrPotter



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2016-10-15
Packaged: 2018-08-22 00:32:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 24
Words: 34,710
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8266141
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MrPotter/pseuds/MrPotter
Summary: Sometimes, the most grievous injuries are the ones that can't be seen. Sometimes, its the simple memories of the past that can do the most harm. As much as it hurts, as Judy, Nick, and others are about to learn, sometimes the only way to lose the pain is to share.





	1. Shots Fired

**Author's Note:**

> Posting the first story in my series following my OC, Blake West. As some of you may notice, this is the same story as my version on fanfiction.net, so if you have read this there, then you've read this story already. Otherwise, I'm just posting it here to get the work out, along with laying the foundation for the second story in the series, which will be posted on here soon.
> 
> I do not own zootopia or any of the characters, expect for my own OC.

“Patrol 172, Dispatch. Respond code 3 to 183 Waterfall Lane for a possible 10-31.” came crackling over the radio.

“Dispatch, 172. Responding code 3. Will advise when on scene.” Judy responded, looking over at her fellow officer, Nicholas Wilde. “Well, so much for a quiet day.” She said with a grin, as she flipped on the lights and siren.

“What did I tell you about that word?” Nick said with a sigh, before grabbing onto something to keep himself still as the cruiser suddenly darted forward, running code 3 towards the address. “That word is jinxed. Now we're gonna be busy all day.”

“And that's bad because?” Hopps asked with a grin on her face. “Better to be doing something than to sit around all day.”

Nick groaned. “Maybe you think so Carrots, but I'd rather get to take at least one nap after the past week's workload.”

“Awww, don't be a baby. After this call we can stop for some lunch or something.” Hopps replied as she navigated traffic at pursuit speed, as the duo pulled up on scene.

“Dispatch, 172. 10-23, Officers Hopps and Wilde investigating.”

“Copy 172. Advise when you're clear.”

Judy and Nick both dismounted the cruiser, taking a look around as they scanned for any signs of trouble, or any situation that might be about to escalate.

“Down there.” Nick said, pointing. “See them?”

Judy nodded. “Yup, that'd be the reason we're here I bet.” she said with a sigh. “Come on, let's get this over with.”

The pair walked down the street towards a shopkeeper who was currently yelling at someone nearly half his size, wearing all black clothing. “...and just wait until the police get here! I'll make sure you're locked up for good you little--!” he shouted, cutting himself off as he saw the two officers approach. “Ah, good. You're here. I need you to arrest this useless trash.” He said smugly, gesturing towards the mammal in front of him.

“And why would that be?” Hopps asked, as Nick walked to make sure that he'd be able to monitor the full situation, including the shopkeeper.

“He stole from my store, again. This is the first time that I managed to actually catch him in the act.” The otter said smugly, glaring at the mammal. “He deserves what's coming for him.”

Judy looked over at the mammal, who was clutching what seemed to be food to his chest. “Unless you say anything, I'm going to have to arrest you for theft. Or you can pay for the items you stole.”

The mammal just shrugged, not responding. He shifted the backpack on his shoulders slightly, adjusting the weight on his shoulders.

Hopps sighed. “Alright, fine. Drop the goods and just walk away.” She said, stepping closer to the mammal, noting that he stepped back, maintaining the distance between all of the people there.

“Last chance. Drop it, or I'm going to have to place you under arrest.” She said, motioning for Nick to move around and cut the suspect off.

Nick moved, but Hopps noticed that the suspect had noted the movement, and then suddenly darted between Nick and Judy, sprinting down a street and into an alleyway. Judy and Nick were seconds behind him, yelling for him to stop.

“Dispatch, 172! Suspect fleeing on foot, officers Hopps and Wilde in pursuit!”

“172, Dispatch. Copy--” The officer working dispatch finished his reply, but the duo were not paying any attention as Judy and Nick turned the corner and slid to a stop.

In front of them stood two rams and a weasel, all engaged in the exchange of drugs and money. The trio there looked up at the two officers, both just as surprised to see one another as the other pair was. The suspect they had been chasing was nowhere to be seen.

“Drop the drugs and--!” Judy never got a chance to finish her sentence as the trio in front of her and Nick suddenly went to opposite sides of the alley, dropping the money and drugs, but drawing sidearms from their belts and opening fire on the two police officers.

Judy reacted on instinct, twisting around the corner and drawing her own weapon, then reengaging the threats in the alleyway. As she fired, she then noticed that her partner was down in the alley, not moving.

“Dispatch, 172! Shots fired, Officer down!” She shouted into the radio, still engaged with the gunfight between her and the drug dealers. “Officer down! Request backup and medical to my location asap!”

Dispatch responded, but Hopps wasn't paying any attention to her radio. She instead focused on shooting back, and trying to make sure her partner was ok. “Officer Wilde! Nick!”

She saw a slight movement of his body and heard a groan, but other than that he made no movement. Judy ducked behind the corner, reloaded her sidearm, and then snapped back around the corner, reengaging the drug dealers.

A sudden movement caught the attention of her eye, and a black shape suddenly darted out from behind a dumpster in the alley, moving to the body of her fallen partner.

“Freeze! On the ground!” Hopps shouted, still engaged in the gunfight. “Keep your hands off him!”

The mammal didn't listen, instead choosing to grab Nick and begin dragging him out of the center of the alley. Unsure if the new contact was friendly or not, Hopps couldn't chance it. She levered her sidearm and squeezed off a shot, hitting the person dragging her partner. He dropped, but then the hail of gunfire from the drug dealers forced her to take cover back around the corner.

“Dispatch, 172! I need that backup now! They're attempting to move the fallen officer!” Hopps called again, but then she heard the sirens.

Moments later, two units from the ZPD downtown SWAT turned the corner, and multiple officers dismounted, rapidly joining the gunfight. Minutes later, it was over, except for one single issue.

“Officer Hopps. Officer Wilde was downed right here, correct?” Chief Bogo asked, his voice gruff with worry and anger.

Judy swallowed the lump in her throat and nodded, fighting back tears, looking at the spot where Nick had been hit. His body was no longer there, and neither was the body of the mammal that had been dragging him. “But I don't know where he could have been taken...” she trailed off, glancing around the alley, before she finally noticed a set of rappelling ropes laying out a window.

“Up there!” She shouted, and in a flash she was almost up the rope and climbing through the window.

“Hopps! Wait for SWAT!” The chief shouted, but Judy ignored his voice and climbed into the building, upholstering her sidearm as she began to clear the room. A trail of blood led the way.

“Come on come on come on...” She heard a voice muttering from an open room. “Stay with me Officer.”

Judy stepped into the room. “ZPD! Hands up!” She shouted, leveling her pistol at the mammal who was kneeling next to an unmoving body. With a start, she realized that the body was Nick, and the one kneeling over him was the suspect from earlier. “Get away from him now!” She shouted again, and the sounds she heard from outside made her realize that the rest of the officers knew that she had found someone in here.

The mammal didn't move away. “Officer, if I let go right now, he dies.” a male voice said calmly, but tinged with pain, as Judy noticed that he curled slightly to one side. “I need medics in here before I can stop.”

Judy kept her weapon trained on center mass. “I said step away from the officer.”. Her voice was cold and hard. Looking around the room, she noticed that the bag that the suspect had been wearing was now on the far side of his body and appeared to be open. She couldn’t tell what was inside the back, and that made her even more nervous.

The male just shook his head. “You're going to have to shoot me officer, if you want me to move before I have paramedics in here. I'm not losing another one.” The voice was obviously in pain, but filled with the same determination that Judy had.

As she wrestled with the decision she had to make, she heard the sound of pounding feet, and then a voice from down the hall. “Officer Hopps! Where are you?!”

“In here!” She yelled back, still trained on the suspect. “Officer down inside! I need those medics now!”

As she called back, the SWAT team, including one of the SWAT team’s tactical medics, rushed forward, bursting into the room, as it turned into a scene of chaos.

Judy watched as the medic dropped down next to the unknown mammal, who was violently pulled away from Nick by two of the SWAT team members. They yanked off his hood and forced him onto his stomach, which the arctic fox responded to with a yelp of pain.

“Chief, we're gonna need another medic in here. Suspect is injured and in custody.” One of the SWAT members said into his radio, and then listened to the response.

Judy felt her legs start to shake as she watched the scene unveil in front of her. Her closest friend and partner was down, and she had no idea if he was going to survive it or not.

“Hopps.” She heard the voice of the chief behind her, and she turned around to face him wordlessly.

“You're off duty as of right now. Go with Officer Wilde and the suspect to the hospital. They are your responsibility until we get someone there to relieve you.” While his speech was gruff as always, his eyes showed the worry he had for his officers. “And if you need anything, you talk to the staff there.”

Judy nodded again, and turned back to watch the medics working on both the suspect and Nick. Anger gnawed at her, as she knew that had that suspect not ran, her friend wouldn't have been shot in the first place. There would be hell to pay for that fox, whatever his name was.


	2. Hospital Visit

“Officer Hopps?” The voice of a nurse asked, as the young tiger stopped in front of Judy.

She looked up. “How is he?” her voice quavering, unable to face the fear that Nick could be dead.

“Officer Wilde is going to be fine. He sustained three gunshot wounds, two to the chest and one to the thigh. Had it not been for the quick medical response provided, he would have died. Your suspect has still not given us a name, and he is not registered as a resident of Zootopia. He sustained a single gunshot wound to the abdomen, and his currently stable.” The young tiger stepped to the side. “If you wish to speak to your suspect now, you may.”

Judy nodded and stood up, heading towards the fox's room. She had a job to do before she sat all day beside the bed of Nick. Her face a cold mask of anger, she entered the suspect’s room.

On the hospital bed before her lay a male arctic fox. He had a single IV running into one of his arms, and a pair of handcuffs kept him bound to the bed. She watched him shift to face her as she entered, still not changing the expression on his face. She noted the bandages that swathed his stomach, but she also didn’t care as much as she should. This was the one who was responsible for hurting her Nick.

“I hope you realize just how much trouble you actually are in.” She said calmly, standing at the foot of his bed. “Shoplifting, resisting arrest, possible drug charges, and even assault on an officer.” She ticked off the list as she read it. “So I would advise you to cooperate and perhaps save yourself some of the trouble that’s coming.”

The fox took a moment to lick his lips before he spoke. “Officer, only two of those charges are correct. Yes, I was shoplifting and yes I resisted arrest, but I have never been associated with any drug dealing, and I certainly did not assault an officer.”

Judy snorted. “Right, because you just happened to turn into an alley where a drug deal was going down.” She said, not bothering to conceal the venom in her voice.

The fox in front of her sighed and shifted. “I honestly didn’t know.” He said softly. “I didn’t mean to start a gunfight there. I just didn’t want to be arrested.”

“Well, you certainly messed up then, because all this has done is landed you in even more trouble.” Hopps said, glaring at the suspect. “But I doubt you’re telling the truth anyways. A simple search of your belongings will probably prove that.”

He didn’t respond, and simply glanced around the room. Judy followed his eyes, and then stopped when she saw his backpack. “Let’s take a look right now, shall we?” She asked, glaring at him again as she opened up the bag. As she looked inside, she started slightly, surprised at what she saw.

The bag contained no drugs or weapons. Instead, it was packed full of what Judy recognized as medical equipment from her days of training at the academy. Some of it she knew, such as the bandages and tourniquets, but there were plenty of other things in the bag that she only knew from working with paramedics. She also knew that lots of those supplies were supposed to be in the hands of medical professionals only.

“Well...not drugs. But this stuff--” She looked up at the fox “--is supposed to be in the hands of medical professionals only. Someone like you isn’t allowed to have them, and certainly is not supposed to be using them.”

The fox didn’t respond as Judy glared at him. The tension in the room was only broken, minutes later, when the doctor entered.

“Ah, Officer. Glad you’re here.” He said, glancing at the monitors and jotting something down on the chart. “I’m happy to inform you that Officer Wilde is going to be fine. Same as your suspect here. In fact, both will be discharged within a week, if all goes well.”

Judy nodded. “Good.”

“I also wanted to congratulate you on a job well done.” The doctor said, looking at her. “Not many police officers would have been able to render aid like you did.”

Her head cocked slightly to the side. “What do you mean? All I did was my job with the dealers. I didn’t render any first aid.”

“But..what?” The doctor looked confused. “The paramedics said that most of Officer Wilde’s wounds had been treated, aside from the thigh gunshot. Had he not been treated, he would have died on the scene.” He looked into Judy’s eyes. “If you didn’t treat him, then who did?”

Officer Hopps slowly looked from the doctor and the bag over to the fox that lay in the bed. His eyes were locked on her’s, his gaze almost a challenge to her, daring her to say more.

“Doctor, if I may step out for a moment.” Judy said, not breaking eye contact with the suspect.

“Of course.” He nodded, and moved over to the fox. “Now let me see that injury…”

Judy walked outside the room and pulled out her phone, quickly dialing Chief Bogo’s number.

He answered on the second ring, like always. “Chief Bogo.”

“Chief, its Officer Hopps. I have status updates on both Officer Wilde and the suspect.”

“Standby.” Judy knew that he was leaving his office and putting the phone on speaker. “Ok, go ahead.”

Judy smiled slightly. “According to the doctors, Officer Wilde is in stable condition, and will be released from hospital care in a week.” The cheering that came back from the station was so loud that several attendants in the hallway looked at her on the phone. “However, there is more about the case that I need to discuss with you Chief.”

“Got it.” She waited a moment. “Ok, you’re off speaker. Go ahead.”

Judy sighed, and then decided on just laying it all out. “The suspect sustained a single gunshot wound. He will be released at the same time as Officer Wilde. However, there is a slight...catch.”

“And that is?” Judy heard the irritated snort over the phone.

“According to the doctors and paramedics, Officer Wilde’s injuries would have killed him, had there not been immediate lifesaving care provided. I did not provide that care, and Nick was not in a condition that would allow him to provide self aid. The suspect was found kneeling over him and making claims that he could not move, or Nick would die. I also examined the suspect’s belongings.” Judy took a breath. “His backpack contained medical supplies, both civilian accessible and ones requiring a medical license to purchase.”

“Officer Hopps. Are you saying that this suspect is responsible for saving the life of Officer Wilde?”

“Yes, I am. Which, in this case….I’d say it’d make him more of a hero that a suspect.” Judy said, tapping her foot on the floor with worry. She wanted to book the fox, but at the same time, he had possibly saved the life of Nick Wilde.

She heard another sigh. “Alright, here’s what we do. He stays in the hospital, but you keep observing him. Get him dual room with Officer Wilde if you can. Upon their release, we can reassess the situation.”

“Roger that Chief. I’ll take care of that now.” Judy said, as she hung up and turned down the hall. She had rooms to arrange, but in the back of her mind she couldn’t help but keep wondering who exactly this arctic fox was.


	3. Answers and Questions

One week later, Judy paced back and forth outside the room that Nick and the other fox shared. In an entire week, all she had gotten was short and useless answers from him, and the norm from Nick.

At least today we’re finally getting out of this damn hospital. She thought, watching as the nurses signed the last bits of paperwork and got the two up and out of their beds.

Nick was stuck in a wheelchair, while the arctic fox used a pair of crutches. He seemed unsure of what was going on, but all he knew was that he was to follow Judy and do as she said. Not speaking, she led the group to the elevator and down to the lobby.

As the doors slid open, Judy smiled. “Looks like you have a welcoming committee.” She said jokingly to Nick, pointing to the mass of cheering officers who were there to greet them, along with several reporters and photographers.

He laughed. “Of course they’re all here. Who wouldn’t want to see this handsome face?”

Judy rolled her eyes and led them out and over to the transport that was waiting for them. “Everyone’s belongings have been stored in the vehicle.”

It took a few minutes, but soon everyone was onboard, with Chief Bogo driving.

“Officer Wilde. Good to see you with us again.” He said with a nod.

“Thanks Chief. Just glad to be alive.” Nick responded, glancing around the car.

“We’re glad of that too. To keep this simple; yourself and Officer Hopps are off duty until you are fully healed. Hopps, the department expects you to make sure he heals up nice.”

Judy smiled. “I think we can manage that Chief.”, she said, as she smiled warmly back at Nick.

“As for you.” The Chief glanced into the mirror at the other fox. “Given your...assistance with this matter, the department has decided to drop all charges against you. However, we still do need to know a few things.”

The fox shifted slightly, wincing as his injuries jolted pain through him. “And that would be?”

“For starters, I need a name. I also need to know why you happened to have a bag stocked full of medical supplies.”

The fox just shrugged. “Blake West.” was all he said, showing absolutely no intent in giving them any more information.  
Judy rolled her eyes. Just another thug who didn’t want to cooperate with the police.

“Well, Mr. West, I’m going to need an address to drop you off at, since you’re not listed in our systems as a resident.” Bogo replied, focusing on the road.

“Just let me out here.” Blake said, looking around the car.

“See, that’s not how this works. I need an actual address to drop you off at.” Bogo glanced back at him again, now pulling into a parking lot and turning to face the fox. “Regardless of what it is, you saved the life of one of my Officers. I’m not going to use any of this information to arrest you.”

Nick and Judy both watched him with interest, analyzing his expressions and actions. The fox looked around at all three and just sighed. “Officer, I can walk. Just let me out here and let these two get back to where they need to be.”

Something in his tone rubbed Judy the wrong way. Not like he was being aggressive, but something else. She glanced up at Nick and then it clicked.

“Mr. West...do you even have a house here?” She asked, staring straight at him. “Where do you live?”

The arctic fox locked eyes with here and didn’t answer, but the pieces began to fall together for Judy. “You’re homeless, aren’t you.” The only response she got was a shrug.

The three officers looked at one another. “Look...I can’t just leave you out on the street. Not injured like that.” The chief began. “There has to be somewhere…”

“There isn’t.” Blake snapped. “Yeah, I’m homeless. Not like it matters. Just another fox who's no longer needed.” He stared out the window, not looking at any of them.

Nick and Judy looked at one another, with Nick giving Judy a look she knew far too well. Internally she groaned. The last thing they needed was another guest, but at the same time...she might blame Blake for getting Nick shot, but he had also saved his life at the risk of his own.

“Chief, Nick and I can let him stay with us until we figure out more permanent housing arrangements.” She found herself saying. “And if you have no place to stay, I’m afraid that you’re just going to have to simply accept the offer. Either voluntarily or in handcuffs.”

Blake looked up at her and just nodded acceptance. He looked to her like he was to tired to even bother resisting at this point. “Whatever works for yall.”

The officers all exchanged another set of looks, even more confused by this fox in front of them.

“Well...I’ll drop you off at their apartment then.” The chief finally said, as he got back onto the roadway and started driving again.

The rest of the ride was in silence, with Judy spending most of it thinking. Had she lost her Nick...she pushed those thoughts away.

_What matters is that he is alive, and that he is coming home. She thought._

_But we also now have to figure out this fox._


	4. Nightmares

_Multiple explosions filled the street, blowing up two of the vehicles in the convoy. The rest of the soldiers dismounted quickly, dismounting to the sides of the street and looking for any other contacts._

_“Medic!”_

_Blake didn’t hesitate. Seconds after the cry he was already moving, sprinting towards the two wrecked vehicles._

_The cries of pain and moaning surrounded him, even as contact was called out and shots began to be exchanged between the two forces. He focused in on the wounded; a young otter who was writhing in pain from a missing leg. Grabbing his body armor by the drag handle, Blake quickly hauled him into cover and began to get a tourniquet onto the leg._

_The otter was incoherent, screaming in pain as Blake worked. He didn’t bother to go back for the others; everyone in those two vehicles were plastered across the street and walls. He focused in on the injuries on the otter instead._

_“Doc, doc please. I don’t wanna die!” He wailed, still thrashing in pain._

_“You’re not gonna die, Corporal.” Blake responded, still frantically working to control the bleeding. The next thing Blake felt was an impact on his back, and then sudden pain as his body was forced forward…_

Blake jolted upright, gasping and looking around frantically, his eyes wide and alert, slowly calming down as he realized where he was. He sighed slightly, sinking back against the couch he was laying on. Just another visit from one of those dreams.

Shaking his head, he sat up, fighting down images of the bodies of his platoon mates laying in that street. He didn’t want to think about it. Not now, not ever. Standing up, he began to quietly look around the room for his bag, becoming more and more anxious as he couldn’t find it.

“Come on..where is it.” He muttered frantically, moving with less stealth as he began to become more and more worried. “Don’t tell me Officer Hopps didn’t bring it in here with us…”

As minutes passed, Blake felt the fear rising in his chest and he slumped back onto the couch. “No no no no...it can’t be missing...it can’t be missing…” He muttered, rocking slightly as the fear threatened to take him once more.

\------------------------------------------------------------------

Judy stirred as she thought she heard movement from the living area. She lay there, her arms around Nick as she held him close, listening for any further sounds.

The footsteps she heard kept on growing louder and louder, and then she began to hear muttering as someone sat down on the couch.

With a soft groan, she slipped her arms out from around Nick and walked into the living room. There she saw Blake, still frantically looking around. “What’s wrong?” She asked.

As she spoke, his eyes snapped to hers, and she shivered slightly at the look he gave her. It was one of terror and worry. “My bag. I need my bag.” He repeated over and over, starting to pace around for it again.

Judy paused for a moment, and then walked back into her room and grabbed his bag. “This one?” She asked, bringing it back out and holding it out to him.

In a flash, he was by her side, yanking the bag out of her hand and kneeling as he emptied all the contents out. She watched in surprise as he inventoried everything twice before repacking the bag. As he finished, he looked up at her again. “Thank you..” He said, before returning to the couch, laying down and closing his eyes.

Judy watched him for a few more moments, confused. _What was that all about?_

Walking over, she looked down at the bag, looking over the bag for anything she had missed the first time. At first glance it seemed the same, but as she glanced over it a second time, she noticed that one of the pouches she had only glanced into before was open, and there appeared to be writing on the flap.

Slowly, she lifted the flap up and looked down at the writing.

_Property of SPC Blake “Doc” West_

Judy’s hands shot up to her mouth as she read that. Blake West wasn’t just another street rat, nor someone who had shown up in aimless wandering across the land. He had served in the military as a soldier, as a combat medic.

More importantly, she knew what that nickname meant. She just couldn’t believe what she was seeing. She didn’t just have someone who had intervened and saved Nick’s life, she had a solider here in her house.

_So why is he here? And more importantly, why is he homeless?_


	5. Morning Plans

Blake opened his eyes to the sound of something sizzling on a stove. He sat up, blinking away sleep and rubbing his eyes as he yawned, looking around the room to see what all the noise was.

He was greeted with seeing Judy working away at the stove, preparing some kind of meal. Continuing to glance around, he saw Nick in his wheelchair, sitting at the table, chatting idly with Judy. Blake looked to his right, and once he saw that his bag was there, he slung it up onto his back as he sat up further.

Judy turned around at the noise and smiled slightly at him. “Morning.” She said, before returning to the food that she was preparing for their meal.

Blake nodded in return and felt eyes on him. Turning to his right, he caught Nick looking at him, his eyebrow raised. Blake locked eyes and the two exchanged stares, one challenging and the other observing. With a sigh, Blake stood up and joined him at the table, setting his bag on the floor by the legs of his chair. “Breakfast smells nice.” He said, glancing around the room again once more to verify that it was safe.

Nick nodded. “She might eat all sorts of weird things--” he dodged a carrot that was thrown by Judy “--but she also knows how to cook stuff for us too. By us I mean foxes.” He clarified.

“Well, when I have to put up with him all the time.” Judy said, turning around and sliding plates across the table to both of them. “It becomes a skill that is well developed.” She sat down with them and began to munch on her breakfast as well.

Blake ate quickly, sensing a strange feeling coming from the table. Almost like something was up, but he couldn't quite place it. Eventually, he brushed it off as simply being a new place, and looked around again. “Umm...is there anywhere I can grab a shower?” He asked, knowing that his fur was a mess from lack of cleaning.

Judy nodded. “Second door on the right. Can't miss it.”

Blake stood and nodded his thanks, and walked down the hall, but not before grabbing his bag and walking off with it.

“He really keeps track of that bag.” Judy nodded in agreement with Nick's comment, waiting until she heard the shower start and the water running.

“For good reason.” She said, putting her food down and looking at Nick. “I found something out last night. Not by asking, but--”

Nick laughed slightly. “Let me guess. You went and checked on him?” He smiled at Judy. “He's not the kind that's gonna just go run off.”

Judy shook her head. “Nick, he was up and moving around. And his eyes...I've never seen so much fear. All he wanted was his bag back.” She looked into Nick's eyes, reading the encouragement there. “So I gave it to him. He inventoried it twice, and then went back to sleep. I noticed something about the bag then...or rather, I investigated it a little more.”

“Let me guess. He's some super important or crazy fox?” Nick asked, but his tone was light.

“Nick, it’s not funny.” His tone and expression changed as he saw the seriousness on her face. “He was a combat medic, Nick.”.

“So he's a veteran.” Nick let out a slow sigh. “Explains why he rushed out to save me.”

Judy nodded. “The problem is...Nick, why the hell is he homeless?” She asked, but then held up a finger as the water sounds cut off. “He's coming back out. Don't bring this up unless he talks about it first ok?” Nick nodded in response, and the two switched over to conversing about what movie they wanted to see next, as Blake exited the shower, still wearing the same clothes as he had before.

Nick glanced back. “Blake? Do you have anything else you can wear?” He asked, dropping his normal joking and cynical tone for one that was far my friendly.

Blake just shrugged in response. “Nah, but it doesn't really matter that much.” He said, walking his way back into the room.

Nick shook his head. “It does to me.” He looked over at Judy. “We have some shopping to do today.”

Blake shook his head. “No, you guys don't have anything to do. Besides, it’s not like I have any money to buy things with.” he said with a forced laugh.

Judy sighed slightly. “Blake, you saved Nick's life. Clothing is the least we can do.”

He sighed slightly, looking between the duo and seeing the determination in their faces. “Well...fine.” He said with a sigh. “Let's go.”

Judy got up and wheeled Nick out, letting him and Blake discuss where they should be going to get stuff.

_At least while we're out, I can place some calls without them overhearing._ She thought. While she might not be openly asking Blake West about his past, she was going to get some answers, one way or another.


	6. Classified

Judy waited until the duo had started selecting clothing, and then stepped out of the store, pulling out her phone.

_Going to the station. Gonna have a look at some records there._

Satisfied that she had sent Nick enough of a message to let him know where she would be, Judy turned and started jogging down the street towards the police station. It only took her about 10 minutes to make the trip, as most of the downtown shopping areas were relatively close to the police station.

Walking on in, she headed straight for the reception desk. “Hey Clawhouser!” She called up as she walked by.

“JUDY!” She heard the squeal, and then suddenly all the air in her lungs left in a whoosh as she was scooped up into a giant hug. “How are you doing? Are you ok? How’s Nick doing?”

Judy laughed slightly, trying to breath. “Doing...fine...can’t...breath…” She gasped out, and she found herself released back onto her feet.

“Ohhhhhhhh sorry...forgot about that.” Clawhouser said with a grin. “I’m just glad that you all are ok.”

Judy smiled up at him. “It’s all good. Just here to check something out and I’ll be on my way. Don’t bother telling the Chief.” She called back as she walked to her office. Once there, she bounced up into her seat and logged into the system, pulling up the directory for searching for mammals.

_Now let’s see if I can’t get any more answers._ She thought, beginning to type away at the keyboard.

She started with the obvious first; just standard database searching. In the Zootopia database, there was no mention of a Blake West at all. Even trying different variations on spelling turned anything up, and there were no arctic foxes listed in the registry at all as being residents of Zootopia.

_Well, that was worth a shot. At least now I know that he really is homeless here; that’s something that I’m going to have to correct._

Moving on, she pulled up the military member database that she had access too. If her hunch was right, the information on the bag would be more than enough to get her some kind of record on this mystery fox.

Typing in his rank, last name, and then first name, Judy began her search. While she waited for it to finish, she sipped on some coffee that she had brought in and glanced around the office.

It was another day in the ZPD. Most of the officers either were working cases, or working street patrols, making sure that nothing overly dangerous was happening. Judy loved being in the office, but it just didn’t feel the same without her partner.

A ding from the computer yanked her thoughts back to the present, and she looked back at the monitor, all business now. She had a single successful hit on one SPC Blake West.

_Time for some answers._

As she clicked on his file, another box popped up.

_Security Clearance denied? But how?_ She thought with surprise, looking at the requirements before whistling softly. To simply gain access to this file, she needed a SECRET clearance or higher, and all Judy had was a classified level clearance.

_Well...looks like the Chief is my only option._

Hopps closed out of her computer and logged off, getting out of her chair and walking down the hall to Chief Bogo’s office. Once there, she knocked three times and waited.

“Come in!” She heard from inside the office, and she opened the door and entered.

Bogo was looking down at a case file, but looked up as she entered. “Officer Hopps? What are you doing here? You’re supposed to be on leave.” He growled out, but Judy could tell that he wasn’t really that upset.

“Well, actually...I need your help with something.” She admitted, looking at his computer.

He set the file down and folded his arms, looking straight at her. “And what would that be?”

Judy related the story of her discovery, as well as the fact that the file was classified above her clearance level. “But since he is staying with me and is part of an ongoing investigation...I think I need to know.”

Chief Bogo looked at the computer for a moment and signed, then turned to his computer and began to type away. A few minutes later, the printer in the room began to spit out papers, which he put into a single folder and handed to Judy. “Now go home and watch over those two.”

Judy nodded. “Roger that, Chief.” She said as she departed, glancing down at her phone. No new messages from Nick, which she took at a good thing; it meant that he and Blake probably didn’t need any immediate assistance.

Pausing outside a coffee shop, Judy entered and ordered a quick pastry and another coffee, then hopped into a chair in the corner. Nibbling on the sweet bakery goods, she sighed softly and opened up the case file, and began to read.

_Name: West, Blake, Anderson._

_DoB: 26 July, 1995_

_Branch: Animanium Army_

_ETS: 10 January, 2016_

Judy raised an eyebrow slightly at the ETS date. He had only just been discharged, so ending up homeless in Zootopia felt even stranger to her now. Sipping on her coffee, she continued reading.

_MOS: 68W1_

She re-read the MOS twice, and then, pulling up google on her phone, she searched for it. It only took her a few seconds of reading to get the details.

_Not just a combat medic. The identifier tags him as a special operations medic._ She thought, even more confused now, glancing further down the file for his service record and units of assignment.

_Previously Assigned Units:_  
A Co, 2nd BN, 1st SMB  
D Co, 1st BN, 1st SMB  
5th Rapid Response Group, 1st BN, ASOC 

_Last Assigned Unit:  
4th Rapid Response Group, 1st BN, ASOC_

Raising her eyebrow at the mention of ASOC, Judy turned her thoughts away from the file and back onto the snack she was enjoying. Finishing the rest of the pastry, Judy glanced at her phone a second time. Seeing no messages again, she sighed and shifted in the chair, continuing to read the file.

_So why is it that a member of the special operations community is now here? It doesn’t add up; as young as he is, he should be serving still, and certainly be higher ranking than a specialist._

She felt her phone buzz in her lap, and she glanced down at it, opening the new message.

_So, Blake got a little tense being around the streets in this busy an area. In the interest of keeping everyone safe(and sane) I took him back home. Waiting for you there. Everything go ok at the station?_

Judy smiled slightly, and then began typing out a reply.

_Glad you got home ok. Station was fine; everyone there says hello. Managed to pull some records that you might find interesting to read, courtesy of the Chief. I’ll show them to you once I’m back._

Judy closed the folder and got back on her feet. As much as she wanted to finish reading, she might as well just go back home and continue this little investigation with Nick. He was going to be read in anyways at some point, so she might was well wait until he was there to continue.

_Just as well, really. Gives us something to snuggle up and read over._ She thought with a smile. _Outside official work for once._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just so clarification for those of you wondering:
> 
> Yes, the classification system is based on the US classification system, but there are some things that are done for plot that, in reality, would NEVER happen, especially involving the security level involved.
> 
> ASOC stands for Army Special Operations Command, with a Rapid Response Group being a mix between US Army Rangers and US Green Berets.


	7. In Face of Unspeakable Odds

Judy walked into the apartment, closing the door behind her and glancing around the room. Blake was asleep on the couch, and Nick wasn’t in the living area.

_The bedroom it is then._ She thought, walking over to the door as quietly as she could.

Upon entering, she saw Nick laying in bed, looking up at her as she entered. “Hey there Carrots.”

She smiled at him, lying down next to him. “Hey yourself.” She replied, opening the file back up and handing him the stuff she had read already. “Some information on our guest.”

Nick took what she had handed him and glanced through it quickly. “ASOC huh? Strange...and whats with that ETS date?” He said, looking over at her. “Even missing an enlistment date, being assigned to ASOC would have likely kept him in service for a long time, with him as young as he is.”

Judy nodded in reply. “That’s what I found strange too. For someone with the training he has, you’d think they would have tried to keep him in service as long as they could. Plus, most members who get that far don’t just leave.”

Nick looked towards the rest of the files. “That’s the rest of his record?” He asked, shifting closer to Judy so they could read the files together.

Nodding, she snuggled up against Nick and opened the file up, allowing the duo to read the file together.

_Discharge:  
Medical Discharge, Honorable. See attached records for details._

“So he was wounded.” Nick said. “That’d explain why he’s out so young.”

Judy shook her head slowly. “Normally they’d only discharge someone that young for amputations or spinal injuries. He has none of those.” She looked up at Nick. “Even injuries like yours aren’t enough to get someone discharged if they want to stay in.”

Nick thought about it for a moment, and then nodded. “You’re right. Which means that either this record is incomplete, has been modified, or we are missing something big.” He said softly, as they returned to reading the file.

_Awards and Citations_  
Army Service Medal - 08AUG12  
National Defense Medal - 22MAY13  
Asterian Conflict Medal - 22MAY13  
Combat Medic Badge - 16JUN13  
Purple Heart - 16JUN13  
Asterian Conflict Medal - 18DEC13  
Special Operations Medic Graduate - 20JUN14  
Asterian Conflict Medal - 10NOV14  
Histerian Crisis Medal - 15JAN15 

Judy glanced over at Nick as he read. “Decent service record. But with that graduation date, he shouldn’t have been discharged…” She trailed off as Nick suddenly snapped up to look at her, shock in his eyes. “What?” She asked, unsure at what in the record had sparked such a reaction from Nick. He wordlessly pointed to a line on the paper. She turned her eyes back to the document, reading the words his finger pointed to.

_Silver Paw - 20MAR15. Citation Attached_

She froze, staring at the words, reading them over and over, before slowly turning and looking at Nick, who returned the same surprised look. “Umm...well...to the citation then.” She finally managed to stammer out, as he nodded in return. The duo flipped to the citation page and began to read.

_On March 20th, 2015, SPC Blake West was participating in an ASOC operation to apprehend several suspected terrorist cell leaders. During the raid, several members of his team were injured in an explosion that collapsed the floor of the house they were in, dropping them to the floor below them, and in front of several enemy fighters. Regardless of the danger, and in the face of unspeakable odds, SPC West jumped through the hole in the floor and down to his wounded teammates. There, he engaged the enemy fighters in a firefight, while moving each of his teammates out of the hallway and into a secure room. During this firefight, SPC West was wounded twice by enemy fire. Despite his injuries, SPC West was able to win the firefight, and with utter disregard to his own injuries, he began to render aid to his injured comrades, providing medical care and protection until fellow soldiers could reach their location and evacuate the team. The actions of SPC Blake West reflect highly on his character and are a testament to his bravery and dedication, and a testament to the bravery and dedication of ASOC as a whole._

As they finished reading, the two just sat there and looked at each other for several minutes, trying to understand what they had just read. “And yet after all that...why is he out?” Judy asked softly, as she started searching through the paperwork for the discharge papers. 

“More importantly, after doing something like that, why is he homeless?” Nick asked, looking over her shoulder to read the papers as he hugged Judy close. “God...the risk he took in that case...he was ready to trade his life for them Judy.”

She nodded, snuggling back into Nick’s arms. “Just like any of us here on the force.” She replied, finally finding the paperwork that she was looking for. “Let’s just get the rest of these answers...then I think we need to go talk to him and Bogo.”

Nick nodded, kissing the top of Judy’s head. “Yeah.” He whispered, as he turned his eyes from Judy back to the paper.

Most of the paperwork on the discharge was information they already had, or just didn’t need. Judy began to get more and more frustrated as they flipped through the papers, trying to find an answer. She finally found it on the last page, and simply dropped the paper, a look of frustration and anger coming over her face. “After all he did, that’s how they repaid him.” She said, anger clearly in her voice, as Nick hugged her again.

“Apparently the commercials don’t really tell the truth.” He replied, but Judy could hear the anger in his own voice. “But this is something we need to resolve. Today.”

Judy nodded her agreement. ‘Let’s go talk to him.” She said, wiggling out of Nick’s arms and standing up. “He has a right to know that we know, but that he also doesn’t have to hide it either.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The Silver Paw would the the equivalent of a Silver Star in the United States Armed Forces. It is the third highest award that can be awarded for gallantry in combat.


	8. Nightmares, Part 2

_“All teams, standby.”_

_SPC West tensed up on the edge of the helicopter, shifting his weight in the seat slightly as his helicopter, along with another, raced towards the target building._

_“Yall right West?” The otter next to him asked, and he simply nodded in reply, mentally running through the raid plan on last time._

_Alpha team, Blake’s team, was going in on the rooftop. The gunships, sitting off about a klick, had looked over the roof with FLIR several times, and had seen nothing. If it stayed that way, the landing and dismount would be easy, with Alpha breaching in through the rooftop entrance into the building. Bravo team would land in the courtyard, and breach from the ground up, with Charlie staying in the helicopters and orbiting with the long rifles to provide support. In all, the raid should take 10 minutes, tops._

_If everything went according to plan._

_“All teams, Sierra.” Crackled over the radio. Blake tensed up slightly, charged his weapon, and looked around the helicopter as it tilted, beginning its flare to slow down. He was the newest member of his four man team, each of which had been in ASOC and on these missions far more than he had._

_SSG Oats was the leader of the team, SGT Otterton was the primary breacher, SGT Finnlay was the secondary, and he was the medic. Blake knew that they all were testing him; counting on him to make sure that they all would get to go home._

_“30 seconds.”_

_Blake reached back and rested his hand on his restraints, preparing to undo them and dismount the helicopter, watching the scene unfold below him._

_The helicopters with Charlie team onboard broke to the right, entering a tight orbit around the building as the shooters onboard began to scan not only the target building, but the buildings around it as well. He watched as Bravo team’s helicopter set down, the team dismounting and sprinting towards the entrance to the building._

_“Wheels down! Dismount!” The pilot shouted, and Blake detached his restraints and jumped off the seat, taking several steps forward before kneeling and bringing his rifle up, scanning for threats._

_Moments later, the helicopter was off the roof, and Blake began sprinting after his team, joining them as the last man in the stack…_

Blake shifted in his sleep, mumbling under his breath. As he dreamed, his ears twitched slightly and he pawed at the air, as if he was attempting to regain his grip on something.

_Ringing._

_Ringing, and a pounding headache, and a sense that he needed to stand up._

_With a groan, Blake shook his head to clear it and glanced around, first reaching out and grabbing his rifle, picking it back up and taking in the situation._

_Where his teammates had been moments before, there was now a giant crater in the floor, that reached up through the next level as well. The team had been preparing to advance further down the hall when the explosives had gone off._

_“Central, Alpha 4! Viking, Viking, Viking!” Blake called into his radio, advancing forward to look into the hole in the floor._

_A response filled his ears, but Blake was too distracted to notice. What he saw below him wasn’t good._

_Laying in different positions on the floor beneath him was his team, each appearing to be wounded. Blake could see a pool of blood already forming beneath SGT Finnlay. He also caught a glimpse of movement from down the hall, and knew that no other teams had reached the floor._

_Knowing that he could do nothing else, and that he was highly likely to be killed, Blake did the only thing he could think of._

_Jumping down onto the floor beneath him, he swung his weapon up and began to engage the enemy forces in the hallway, stepping forward into the little cover that he could find. For nearly 30 seconds, he poured continuous fire into the hallway, driving the enemy combatants down the hall into different rooms. As soon as he had them all locked down, he turned back and grabbed SGT Finnlay by the vest, dragging him into the closest open room. Heading back out, he fired off several more rounds, before dragging SSG Oats into the room as well._

_On his final trip, he grabbed onto SGT Otterton, and just as he started dragging, he heard two gunshots and felt two identical impacts into his back._

_With a cry of pain, Blake toppled forward onto the ground, moaning. His vision blurred; he knew that both rounds had to have gotten through his plate._

_“Alpha 4, Central. Status.”_

_Blake tried to reply, but he couldn’t. The pain...with a sudden start, he realized that he hadn’t managed to move SGT Otterton out of the hall. His teammates needed him. They all needed him to survive._

_SPC West pushed himself back up with a groan, ignoring the screaming pain from his back. Grabbing the SGT by his vest, he dragged him into the room with the rest of his team and collapsed, panting from the pain and effort. Shrugging off his bag, he set to work trying to stabilize all of his team._

_SSG Oats and SGT Otterton were simple cases; they had gotten lucky in the blast. Couple of broken bones, concussions, and minor shrapnel wounds, but outside that, they were in the best condition of the trio._

_SGT Finnaly, on the other hand, was a complete mess. His normally red fur was stained a dark blood red, and a small pool was already forming around the jagged stump that had been his lower left leg, amputated below the knee. He had burns all over his face and chest, and bright red blood spurted from his upper arm. His eyes barely moved, tracking what little movement they could._

_Blake wasted no time. He quickly got tourniquets on high and tight on both injured limbs, and then began to asses SGT Finnaly’s airway, worriedly noting the slight discoloration of his lips._

_As he listened and felt for breath, he got nothing. The burns had compromised his airway. Swallowing nervously, Blake broke out the equipment needed for an emergency cricothyroidotomy, and set to work as fast as he could._

_In about a minute, he had managed to complete the procedure, and now a plastic tube stuck out of the red fox’s neck. At least he was breathing on his own, as shallow as they breaths were._

_Moving on in the assessment, Blake watched the chest rise and fall in unision. Even shallow, it was still equal and bilateral. He checked for a pulse on the one good arm and found nothing. Establishing an IV was easy, and SGT Finnaly soon had 500mls of fluid running into his veins._

_Blake just hoped that it would be enough, and he hoped that the rescue would get there soon. He himself was starting to have trouble breathing, and he shrugged off his vest, applying chest seals to his own wounds as he prayed that he would stay conscious long enough for the rest of the team to reach them._

_Minutes passed, and SGT Finnaly began to deteriorate, his breathing becoming slower._

_“Stay with me Finnaly.” Blake said, shaking his shoulder slightly to try and keep him awake. “Stay with me.”  
Finnaly’s eyes were closed, and Blake began to panic slightly as the breathing continued to slow. He could hear friendly gunfire just in the hallway outside, and knew that rescue was imminent._

_“Come on, just a few more seconds. Just hold on.” He said, trying to encourage Finnaly to keep breathing._

_As much as he encouraged, the breathing didn’t improve, and began to slow even further. Blake busted out his bag valve mask, and began to ventilate, hoping it would be enough._

_“Friendlies coming in!” A voice outside the room shouted, as Blake reached out and felt for a carotid pulse._

_As members of Bravo team stormed into the room, Blake’s blood ran cold. Nothing._

_“No no no no no no!” He cried out, dropping the bag and beginning to move to start compressions. “Stay with me!”_

_The world around him began to spin as two members of Bravo team yanked him back and away from the body, from SGT Finnaly. Blake struggled to get back to him, but the two other members refused to let go. As his vision swirled out to blackness, the last thing Blake saw was Finnaly’s head turn towards him, tube moving in his neck as he spoke:_

_“You failed me.”_

Blake jolted upright in a panic, frantically looking around the room. No hospital, no building, no gunfire or noise. Just himself on a couch, and Nick and Judy in the doorway, staring at him in surprise.


	9. Heart to Heart

Judy and Nick both froze, startled as Blake suddenly sat up, a look of fear and panic on his face.

“Woah, easy there.” Nick said, wheeling towards him. “It’s just us.”

As he stepped forward, Blake was suddenly on his feet and backing away. “Just...just stay there right now ok?!” He managed to get out in between heavy breathing. “Just...just hold on.”

Nick stopped, waiting for Blake to calm down enough for them to talk. Judy walked up beside Nick, standing next to him as they watched Blake. He slowly began to take in his surroundings a bit better, and he relaxed ever so slightly as he seemed to realize where he was.

_I wonder what he was dreaming about._ She thought, trying to keep the concern off her face as she watched him. _I can take guesses, but I’d rather not._

Eventually, Blake calmed down enough to sit down at the table, where Nick and Judy joined him. “Sorry about that.” He mumbled. “Didn’t mean to scare you.”

Judy just shrugged. “It’s fine Blake.” She stole a glance at Nick, unsure how to proceed. She had had some training on this subject, but doing it for real was an entirely different issue.

Nick’s eyes met hers, and he took the cue. “Blake...there’s something you didn’t tell us.” He said with a finality that suggested no argument.

Blake looked up at him, then over at Judy. Unsure how to proceed, she just let how she felt appear on her face, not bothering to fight the anger and sadness she felt. “And what might that be?” Blake asked, trying to play it off as if nothing was wrong.

Nick sighed, and looked straight at Blake. “Specialist Blake West.”

Judy watched as Blake’s hands curled into fists at that name, but he said nothing in response. “Blake...I’m sorry.” Judy said softly, looking over at him. “After last night...I saw the name on the flap in your backpack.” He looked up at her, a slight hint of anger in his eyes, but also some confusion. “This morning, I went to the ZPD and searched up the records. I had to use Chief Bogo’s security clearance, but I’m pretty sure he didn’t read anything.” She continued, watching him.

He took in a single, deep, shuddering breath, and then slowly let it out as he relaxed his hands. “I’m assuming that you know the truth then.” He said quietly, his voice calm and collected. “I just wish that you would have let me have that little bit of privacy.”

Nick sighed. “If you had just told us you were military, and then told us it was classified, we wouldn’t have printed off records. As it stands, we have, from what we can tell, your entire service record from enlistment to discharge.”

Judy watched Blake tense again at that. “So, you know why I’m homeless now.” He said, his voice betraying the bitterness of his words. “You know what happened.”

“Yes. They discharged you due to mental health concerns, and a worry that your combat effectiveness would be affected by it.” Judy said, watching him for any changes in his response.

The laugh that followed was forced. “Yeah. Sure. That’s what the paperwork says, anyways.” He looked up at Judy, and for the first time she saw the pain in his eyes. “The real reason was that I was a coward.”

“Not true.” Nick said sharply, leaning in slightly as he spoke. “Not from what we read.”

Blake shook his head again. “No. I was.” He looked down at his lap, seeming lost in thought. “I was a coward.”

“According to your Silver Paw--” Judy started to say, before she was cut of by Blake’s head snapping up, glaring at her.

“Don’t. Talk. About. That.” He snarled at her, his eyes locked with hers. A low growl emanated from Nick’s throat as he shifted slightly, ready to intervene if necessary. “I did nothing to deserve that. It was awarded, and then when they realized how much of a coward I was, they tossed me aside.”

Judy sat back slightly, surprised. She hadn’t figured that he would react like that to hearing about the award.

_Unless he really does think that he doesn’t deserve the award._

“Well...they did seemingly toss you aside, as you shouldn’t be homeless after a service record like yours.” She began, choosing her words carefully. “But I doubt that you’re a coward.”

“You just don’t get it, do you?” He asked, glaring at her. “I’m broken. All the rest of them, they were fine. They kept right on going. Me?” He laughed bitterly, anger entering his voice. “I couldn’t hack it. I fell apart. Hell, I’m still trying to pick up the pieces.”

Nick shifted to face Blake head on. “Everyone has bad reactions to things like this.” He began.

“No. No they don’t.” Blake snapped. “Not everyone does. Out of all 12 people, I was the only one who fell apart. I was the only one who couldn’t sleep. I was the only one who couldn’t hack it.” His voice got louder and louder, anger controlling his actions. “And I know I’m the only one of us all who has those damn dreams night after night after…” He trailed off, tensing, biting back the rest of his words.

“You’re not the only one who's had that happen Blake.” Judy said softly, as he looked over to her, his face clearing showing his disbelief. “I’ve had plenty of nightmares from my cases. Hell, sometimes I still do.” She admitted, which drew a look of surprise from Nick. “Stuff like this...it’s common.”

Blake shrugged. “You’re also still working a job. You’re still a police officer. You’re still with Officer Wilde there, even if you two aren’t married.” He sighed, and Judy watched as his muscles slowly relaxed. “You didn’t fall apart.”

Nick shook his head. “Both of us took several weeks off after our first major case.” He said, watching Blake. “I took two more after my first homicide. Judy had to take days off after responding to a MVA in which everyone was DOA.” He sighed, watching Blake. “Everyone has these problems. The trick is figuring out how you plan on dealing with them.”

Judy nodded along with the speech. “Sometimes, all you can do is let it go.” She said, standing up, and motioning to Nick to wheel away from the table. “If you want to talk, or talk to someone, let us know. We can set it up.” Was all she said as she left the room, Nick wheeling out behind her. She watched as Blake didn’t move, looking down at his lap, obviously focusing on something other than the conversation that had occurred.


	10. Ghosts of the Past

As the weeks passed, Blake grew more and more used to the daily routine as he healed. Nick and Judy would spend their time either assisting with what work tasks that they could, or by simply finding things to do together. It was blatantly apparent to him that they really didn’t get much time off, so he generally kept out of their way to allow them private conversation. He chose to spend his time thinking, remembering, and trying to forget. It made for an interesting combination.

Looking around the room, Blake made sure that no one was in the vicinity. Judy had gone out to get some stuff for later that evening, and Nick was supposed to be taking a nap. Technically, Blake was supposed to be sleeping as well, but he never really slept for to long. The dreams always came back, and he'd rather not deal with that.

Reaching into his wallet, Blake pulled out a folded up picture and unfolded it, looking over everyone in the picture. It was the deployment photo of his troop in the 4th RRG, prior to the mission in which his entire team had been injured. This picture was far more reminiscent of the good times. A small smile slipped onto Blake's face as he wiped some dust off the photograph.

He looked at all the people in the picture, matching faces to names to memories and missions, especially the ones who had had major impacts on himself during his time with the troop.

CPT Wolven had been the leader of his troop, and a really good one. He had always made sure that all his soldiers were taken care of and ready to fight. As far as Blake knew, he was still serving in ASOC, but Blake had no way to confirm or deny that.

CW2 Fangwin had always been the one to get things done, both conventionally and unconventionally. Blake laughed a little thinking of the time he had raided an aid station for Blake, just to make sure that he had all the needed supplies to treat the wounded. He had hit the end of his contract during the deployment, and had gone home prior to the mission.

SSG Oats had been a gruff team leader, but Blake had quickly learned it was because he cared. He expected the best of all his soldiers, but he also fought to the bitter end for them, regardless of what they had done. His injuries had gotten him transferred to a training unit, where Blake knew he still was serving, training new members of ASOC to the standards he had set.

SGT Otterton was the wild card. Nobody could ever tell what he was up too. Practical joke after practical joke would be played, but when push came to shove he was fiercely protective of his men. His injuries had gotten him a longer stay in the hospital, and by the time he had been discharged Blake had also been removed from ASOC and the military in general. He had no idea what had happened to the jokester.

SGT Finnaly had been Blake's best friend. He closed his eyes, trying to force out the memory of his body laying there on that floor as it shot to the forefront of his mind. His eyes tightly shut, Blake tried to think of all the stupid things they had done together; all the fun they had managed to have regardless of what was going on. He didn't want to remember his friend any other way.

Blake was so focused on stopping himself from freaking out he didn't notice the soft rumbling of wheels as they came alongside his spot on the couch.

“That you there?” Nick asked, as Blake suddenly jolted upright, his eyes open as he looked over at Nick. He was pointing to Blake in the photograph, standing in the middle of the entire team.

Blake sighed deeply, partially of disappointment at being caught unawares and partially to calm himself down before answering. “Yeah.” He replied, nodding slightly. “That's me and my team. Took that photograph the week that we arrived on the base.”

“This your team when you were with ASOC?” Blake felt his shoulders tense up, but he could hear the honest curiosity in the question. He nodded in response, still trying to keep himself calm and fight down the brutal memories.

“You keep in touch with any of them?” Nick asked, and Blake tensed further, trying to decide how to answer the question.

Blake slowly nodded. “Some of them yes. The ones that I can contact anyways. Others I haven't spoken too since I...” he trailed off, not sure if he even wanted to finish the question.

“Since you got discharged.” Nick finished, gently resting a friendly paw on Blake's shoulder. Blake froze, unsure of what to do. He really didn't like people touching him all that much, but he also knew that Nick was trying to be friendly and comfort him. When he was finally able to, he gave a short nod.

He heard a sigh from behind him, and then hand on his shoulder released. He watched as Nick wheeled around to sit in front of him, looking up at his face. Blake looked him over once again, trying to avoid stareing or remembering. Aside from some minor differences, Nick looked almost like Finnaly had.

“Blake, what happened to you wasn't your fault.” Nick began, the look on his face suggesting that he was choosing his words carefully. “You got put into a bad situation, and you reacted in a way that managed to save lives. What happened afterwards, with the discharge...that was wrong. Hell, I'm not even sure it was legal, but it sure wasn't your fault.”

Blake clenched his fists as Nick spoke about saving lives. The tension in his shoulders grew stronger as Nick continued, but Blake really wasn't listening anymore.

_Save lives. Hah. If only he knew. He has no idea what happened, and he makes these assumptions that he knows the full story. He has no idea, he has no right to tell me that I'm fine or not fine, that I did good or did not._

Nick trailed off as Blake began to shake with anger. Looking up at Nick, Blake locked eyes with him. “You have no idea.” He growled through clenched teeth. “You have no idea what happened, who did or didn't survive. You. Don't. Know.” Blake lowered his eyes to the picture in his lap, then looked back up at Nick, his eyes cold. “Just like everyone else, you think that you're the one who knows what happened. You weren't there. You didn't see how it went down.”  
Nick nodded. “That's right, I didn't. So I go off of the information that is accessible to me, which currently is a single award citation.” He didn't flinch as Blake glared at him, simply returning with a steady stare. “Which means that if it has information that is missing or incorrect, you'd be the person who would have to tell me.”

Glaring at Nick, Blake slowly processed what he had said. Nick was right, he knew that much. Blake just wasn't ready to admit it, or share those stories. Looking away, he chose not to answer. Nick just sat there and waited.

The silence was finally broken by the sound of the front door opening, accompanied by the sounds of multiple laughing voices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So for those of you who have read this story before, you know that it was completed. However, it's currently 0223 my time, and I have to be at work by 1100, so I'm taking a pause in the posting of the chapters in order to get some sleep. Tomorrow my goal is to get the rest of the entire story uploaded, along with the first(and possibly second, no promises) second chapter of _Dancing with Demons_. Until then, Happy Reading!


	11. Critical Mass

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologize for the delay in the upload. I was held over the past few days due to work needing some assistance, and basically have been pulling the whole work-home-sleep-work routine. Now that I actually have a few days off, I will be able to get the rest of the story posted up over here

Blake glanced at the cards in his hand. Not bad, but certainly not the best.

_At least this game isn’t being played for stakes._

Looking up at the group at the table, he nodded. “I’m in.” 

Nick smiled, glancing around the table before they lay their cards out, Blake only paying attention to about half the cheers and groans as the cards were displayed.

Sitting around the table were multiple ZPD officers, all whom had come over to celebrate Nick finally getting out of his wheelchair. Even with a long road of recovery still ahead, the fact that he could finally walk again was reason enough to celebrate.

_After all, he did make it. Unlike some others._

Shaking his head slightly, Blake pushed the thought away and focused on the group again, as the next hand for the round was dealt out.

Officer Fangmeyer was sitting across from Blake, with Officer Delgato sitting to his right. The duo were chatting with Nick and Judy, both of whom were sitting next to each other and generally enjoying the evening. Officer Wolford sat next to Blake, and while he had attempted to start some conversation with him, Blake really hadn’t made it easy for him.

The next several hands played quickly, Blake still not paying much attention to the game. He focused more on the group around him, and on his own thoughts as the evening slowly progressed.

“I’m just glad you’re feeling better, Nick.” Wolford said, grinning at him. “Morning brief just isn’t the same without you and Judy there.”

“Ah, I’ll be back...eventually.” Nick said with a laugh. “Truth is, I’m just stretching paid time off as much as I can. Best hustle that I’ve ever managed.”

The comment drew a laugh from all the officers, and brought a slight smile onto Blake’s face. It was nice to see people like this; to see a group of unrelated mammals acting like a family again.

_Like the one that I had. And that I let down._

“Blake?” He heard Judy ask, but he didn’t respond.

_I don’t deserve to sit here like this, happy. Not after what happened to Finnaly._

“Blake? You ok?” He heard Wolford ask, as he shook his shoulder slightly.

Jolting back into focus, Blake quickly scanned the table. The obvious looks of concern focused on him made him look down at the center of the table. “Yeah, yeah.” He lied. “I’m fine. Sorry, just...thinking.”

“About what?” Nick asked quietly, the gentle tone in his voice getting Blake to look back up at him. “You can talk to us.” He looked around the group for confirmation, and Blake watched as all of them nodded.

Sighing, Blake shifted uncomfortably in his seat. 

_All I have to do is stand up and walk away. Walk away, cool off, and come back happy._

“It’s nothing.” He said, standing up. “Just...I’m gonna go use the latrine real quick.” He muttered, heading off towards the bathroom.

_Running away. Like always. Like I always do._

Halfway there, Blake froze, standing and staring towards the door.

_Everytime I run, I feel like shit. All because I’m a coward._

“Blake?” He heard behind him.

_Just like the time that I let everyone down. I…_

Blake’s thought trailed off. He knew that every time he ran from his problems, he was being a coward. Yet, if he raced to face them, he thought he was a coward as well. It made no logical sense, at all. Both couldn’t make him a coward; only one could.

“Blake?” Another voice asked.

_I know that I want to undo what I’ve done, but I can’t. Both of those choices can’t make me a coward, and I know running is what makes me one, so if I face the issue...does that fix it?_

“Blake, you ok?” He heard the sound of a chair being pulled out, the scraping sound grinding its way through his thoughts.

Something snapped inside Blake, a tension that he had carried for far too long.

_Well...if this is how it’s going to be, then that’s how it is. They all get to find out how much of a coward I am, but no more hiding. Not anymore. I earned my place as a coward; I can own it._  
Turning in place suddenly, Blake spun to face the group, struggling to keep his eyes from watering, in a frightful mix of fear and pain and anger. “No.” He managed to get out, as he worked his way back to the table and sat down in his chair, letting Wolford help guide him down, concern evident on the faces of the entire group. “I’m not.”

Fangmeyer, Delgato, and Wolford all looked confused, but Nick and Judy looked more concerned, watching Blake. He didn’t care, not anymore. They could judge all they wanted; he needed this release.

“Blake.” Judy asked softly, looking straight at him. Even in his unstable state, Blake knew that she was only concerned. “What’s wrong?”

_Well, it’s been a good run. Time for others to learn the truth behind Blake West._

“I let them all down.” Blake managed to whisper out, before the first few tears spilled over. He couldn’t tell if they were tears of sadness or anger. “I failed, and it cost us all a part of us.”

He could tell that the three officers who didn’t know about his service were more confused as he spoke, but Nick and Judy understood instantly. “Oh, god.” Nick muttered under his breath, but Blake could barely hear him as he began to shake slightly. “Blake...what happened?”

Taking a few moments to think on it, Blake finally broke. He broke down and cried the tears he hadn’t been able to shed at the hospital, the tears he couldn’t cry at the grave, the tears he hadn’t managed to shed at any point. He cried for his own shame, he cried for the death of his friend, and he cried for the pain his own team had suffered. He just let it all out.

Feeling arms wrap around him, Blake tensed up for a brief moment, and then just leaned into the shoulder that was offered, soaking the shirt and fur with his tears. He could hear Nick speaking softly to someone, but he wasn’t able to make out who he was talking to, let alone the words. Blake felt himself being rocked slightly and just went with it, letting the tears roll down his snout as he unleashed all the pain he had bottled up ever since he had deployed the first time.

As the face of all those he had lost raced through his mind, he cried harder. The soldiers of his first two units, the two ASOC members who has stepped on that IED, and finally ending with SGT Finnaly, whose face remained etched in his mind the longest as he cried.

Blake wasn’t sure how long he cried, but eventually he managed to slow his breathing and regain control of himself. He finally withdrew from the hug, looking into the worried face of Judy, with the rest of the officers sitting on the couch, waiting quietly for him. He looked back to Judy, then looked down. “Sorry.” He mumbled, wiping his face dry with his own paws. “I didn’t mean…”

“Blake.” she said gently, resting a paw on his shoulder. “It’s alright.” Hopping down off the chair she had been standing on, Judy began walking over the couch. “But after that, I think you need to talk to us about some of this.”

Blake looked over at the group that sat on the couch, scanning all their faces, looking for the signs that they knew he was a coward, that he was broke, that he was nothing.

To his surprise, he saw none of that. Instead, Blake saw worry and concern. He saw a drive to help. He saw a the faces of mammals who weren’t judging him, who wanted to help him with whatever had lead him to this breakdown.

_I wasn’t expecting this._ He thought, as he slowly got to his feet and walked over to one of the free chairs, sitting down so he was across from all of the officers.


	12. Fox to Fox

“Blake, start wherever you feel comfortable.” Nick said, once everyone was sitting down and settled. “I’ve already filled them in on your service record, so while they have that basic information, you don’t need to provide a full background.”

Blake nodded, taking those few seconds to compose himself. He had no idea where to start; the last time he had done something like this, the doctor had just asked some questions, given him some pills, and made another appointment for months later.

“So you had 4 combat deployments?” Wolford asked, almost as if he could sense Blake’s confusion on where to start.

“Officially, yes.” Blake responded, almost on autopilot. Taking a few deep breaths, he looked back up at everyone. “That service record isn’t totally complete, and I can’t talk about some of the specifics that aren’t in that record. It’s all still classified.”

The officers all nodded. “That’s understandable. Sticking with what you can talk about, were all those deployments with line units?” Nick asked, continuing the questioning.

“Yeah. Almost back to back too.” Blake said, still watching all of their faces for anything that might show a change in their opinion. “It was a lot faster than the rotation is supposed to go, I know that much, but it was also during the surge, so CENTCOM wanted as many experienced units in the region as they could.” He looked down at his hands, then back up. “Didn’t do as much as they had hoped, but it probably did keep the casualty figures down.”

There was no response for a few seconds, so Blake began to look around the room nervously. The silence began to get to him; eating away at his courage.

_Of course I’m worried. After all, they’re probably gonna just decide to stop this conversation now. There’s no hope for me. They have to know that it’s a waste, spending time on someone broken like me._

“Well, considering you made it into ASOC, you obviously did your job pretty well.”

Blake just shrugged his shoulders. “Sure, if you wanna say that.” He said, not bothering to try and conceal the bitterness and anger in his voice.

He watched as Nick and Judy exchanged a glance, reading the confusion that flowed between them. They still didn’t get it. Nobody ever did, and Blake felt the fire slowly start rising in his chest again. He had had his moment of weakness, and now he no longer wanted to have this talk with all of them here. He stood up abruptly, surprising everyone sitting there. “Forget this.” He heard himself say as he walked back over towards the table. “I’m going out. Don’t bother waiting up for me.”  
Grabbing his bag, Blake slung it over his shoulder and left the building. Once outside, he threw his hood up over his head and began to walk down the street, lost in his own thoughts.

_I shouldn’t have opened my mouth. Shouldn’t have cried; those tears weren’t mine to shed. They belong to those who actually deserve them._

Dodging around several different pedestrians, Blake kept moving further into the city, walking aimlessly towards the slums. He knew that there were plenty of places that he could hide out there, and at this point he knew that he couldn’t stay with Nick and Judy any longer.

_Least they tried to help, but they don’t understand. Nobody does. But they all love to pretend that they do; they love to act like they can help, when really, it’s all just an act._

After wandering for about fifteen minutes, Blake arrived at an alleyway that he often spent the night at. Settling down next to the dumpster, he set his bag beside him and wrapped his arm though the straps, leaning back and closing his eyes. It didn’t take long for the bittersweet embrace of sleep to take him.

“Looks like I’m not the only person who uses this alley then.”

Blake woke with a start, half jumping to his feet as he quickly identified who was speaking to him. Standing in front of him, leaning up against the wall with his arms crossed and tail wrapped around his feet, was Nick.

Blake began to struggle up to his feet, quickly growing angry again.

_Why can’t they just leave me alone?_

Nick shook his head and gestured for Blake to stay sitting, as he sat down in the alley across from him. “Figured I’d find you somewhere like this.”

Blake half laughed, and set back down himself, but still wary of any sudden moves from Nick. “Why? Cause this is the only place that I belong?”

“No. I knew you’d come here because this is where I used to stay when I didn’t have a home. Doesn’t take much searching to find the few alleys where you can sleep undisturbed.”

Blake looked at Nick, surprise evident on his face. “You’ve lived on the streets before?” He asked, incredulous. “But...you’re a police officer.”

Nick just smiled and shook his head. “Not always. Before all this..I was somewhat of a con-fox.” He laughed at the look of surprise on Blake’s face. “Yeah, it’s true. I lived on and from the streets. Used to hustle for a living, until I got pulled into a case by Judy. That was an...interesting adventure.”

Blake raised his eyebrow at the comment, then sighed. “So we’re just the inverse of each other then. You managed to get your life together; I let mine fall apart.”

Nick shook his head. “You didn’t let it fall apart.”

Blake snorted and looked away, down the alley. He knew that Nick was just saying that to make him feel better; to try and do the right thing. “Considering I went from a serving soldier to a homeless thief, I’m pretty sure I let my life fall apart.”

“Perhaps.” Nick shifted, looking straight at Blake, who watched him out of the corner of his eye. “Or maybe they let you down.”

Blake turned his head to look at Nick, tilting his head in a questioning way. “You did go to them for help, Blake.” He continued, locking eyes with the younger fox. “And then they cast you aside for it. As you put it, you were ‘broken’. I disagree.”

“And why is that? After all, I am a homeless thief. Hell, I couldn’t even manage to get away from the police without causing an incident.”

“If you were so broken, you wouldn’t be here.” Nick said flatly, his voice carrying the pain of knowledge along with it. “You would be dead. Last I checked, you were still breathing.”

Rocking back slightly, Blake tried to absorb what he had just said. He had just straight up called him out, and he didn’t know what to say. Shifting in the silence, Blake just watched his his eyes, the green piercing into him, reading him.

“I...Nick, it’s my fault that they’re dead.” He finally managed to say, shaken.

“Really? Were you the one that put the muzzle to their head and pulled the trigger? Did you shoot them?” He asked, eyes still locked on Blake’s.

“No, but--”

“Did you stab them? Did you slice them open?”

“No! That’s not--” Blake’s voice began to raise slightly, some anger creeping into his voice.

“Did you order them out there to die? Did you shoot them? Did you--”

“No! But I was their medic, damnit!” Blake shouted suddenly, sitting upright and glaring at Nick. He hated that look on his face, the eyes reading into his soul. Worst of all, he hated how he just kept asking and asking and asking if Blake had been the one to injure or kill them. “I was their medic! It was my job to bring them home!” His voice growing louder, Blake began to pour all his energy into screaming at Nick, who simply sat there at listened, watching, his face unchanging. “They trusted me to save their lives when injured! All of them looked to me when they needed help, and I failed them!” Saying the words aloud hurt even more, and Blake suddenly felt wetness on his cheeks as tears slowly began to fall, staining his fur to a darker white. “I was supposed to bring them home!” He screamed, tears now streaming down his face.

“And you did, Blake.” Nick finally said calmly, no trace of anger or frustration in his voice. “You brought most of them home.”

“But not all!” He sobbed out, clenching his hands into fists and pressing them into his face. “I didn’t bring them all home.” Blake cried, curling in on himself. “They all didn’t make it.” He said softly, tears still streaming down his face. “I failed them.” he said even softer, feeling the weight of the truth finally slip out of his chest. “I failed them.”

Nick sat there for a few seconds, thinking and watching, before he shifted himself closer to the crying fox. “Blake.” He said softly, gently resting a hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t fail them. I know that you know that.”

“They’re dead because I wasn’t good enough.” Blake managed to get out, as he sat there, trying to regain control of himself. “I wasn’t a good enough medic, and they died because I failed to save them.”

He heard a heavy sigh on his right, the sigh of someone who knew all too well the pain he was feeling. “Blake, you know this better than I do. I know you know this. You feel like it’s your fault, but you know that you can’t save everyone. There are people who are going to die, no matter what. There always are people who will end up dying of illness, wounds, old age. You cannot stop death forever.” Blake shook slightly, still listening. “I blamed myself for my mother’s death for a long time, Blake.” Nick began, sitting back against the wall. “For a long time, I thought that if only I had made more money, worked harder, done something better, I could have been able to help save her.” He laughed bitterly. “It took me far longer than it should have to realize that no matter what I had done, terminal cancer is terminal cancer. You cannot undo something like that, no matter what you do.”

Blake felt a pat on his shoulder, and lifted his head to watch Nick stand up. “You know, keeping it bottled up, hidden from the world, it seems like a good idea.” Nick locked eyes with him again. “It feels like the safest thing in the world. Blake, it’s not. You need to talk to someone, anyone. Find someone who you can tell the stories too; that you can work the problems though with.” He turned and began to walk out of the alleyway, before he paused and looked back at Blake one last time.

“Otherwise, it’s going to destroy you.”


	13. Standing on the Edge

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waring to those who read this: this chapter gets dark. I'm not going to ruin this for anyone who is reading this, but if you have ever struggled with mental issues, depression, PTS, or anything of the like upsets you, this chapter contains content along those lines.

Blake yawned as he stretched, slowly waking up and taking in his surroundings. He was slumped against the dumpster, his bag still by his side. Sitting up slowly, he looked around to make sure no one was in the alley, watching him.

Well...that was an interesting evening.

Slowly standing up, shaking out his fur, Blake began to consider his options. On one hand, he could simply slip away. Nick hadn’t brought any police back, and since he also had left for the night, Blake knew that he could leave. All it would take is to throw his hood up and slip into the slums, and he would be able to disappear. He could forget that any of this had ever happened.

On the other hand, he could go back to the apartment. He could try and apologize to Judy, to Nick, to anyone who was there, if they were there. He could try and explain what had happened; he could try and figure out a way to make them understand what was wrong. Thinking over what Nick had said, Blake knew that, at least to Nick, those words held some serious meaning. He had said what he thought he needed to say, and Blake knew that he wanted to help.

Walking down and out of the alley, Blake turned down the street, still lost in thought. He knew that he needed to find a place to get some breakfast, so he began to wander downtown, thinking as he walked.

_Don’t think I can go back there. Not after that. Besides, they’re only going to push the issue further, and right now, that’s the last thing I want._

Swiping some food from a nearby stand took almost no effort, and soon Blake was eating a small mix of breakfast foods. The vendor there had obviously been new, as Blake’s theft had been far too easy. Mentally marking the stand as a possible repeat target, he continued to walk the streets, watching his surroundings as he headed for one of the many parks in the downtown portion of the city.

Pausing at a crosswalk, he waited patiently as an engine flew by, running code three. Blake covered his ears as it passed, trying to reduce some of the impact the blaring siren had on his ears.

_I pity those who have even better hearing._

Crossing the street, Blake found a bench and sat down with a small sigh. Looking around the park, he watched the activity of those there with minimal interest, mostly lost in his own thoughts. He kept on thinking over the events of the past month, trying as best as he could to prevent his normal thoughts from rising to the surface.

A police cruiser rolled by, and Blake shifted and put his hood up, making sure that they didn’t see him. The last thing he wanted was Nick and Judy to stumble on him while he was out here. There were low odds of that happening, but Blake knew that it was something that could happen if he wasn’t careful.

_And I’m probably still wanted for that theft._ He thought, glancing around again to make sure that nobody was watching him. Nobody was, but maintaining his security was something that Blake knew he had to do if he wanted to remain safe. Resting his aid bag against his leg, and wrapping his tail around it to keep it secure, Blake closed his eyes and leaned back a bit, enjoying the weather. It was a calm, clear day, with the perfect mix of temperature and breeze. While he knew it wouldn’t last, Blake happily enjoyed what little goodness he could.

_I don’t deserve this._ The thought lept into his mind, unbidden. _The others do, but I don’t._

Sitting upright suddenly, Blake shifted and picked up his bag. He really didn’t deserve to enjoy this weather. Not with what had happened, not with the amount of people he had let down. If they couldn’t enjoy it, he didn’t deserve to.

Standing up, Blake began to walk out of the park, glancing at the sun. It looked like it was about mid-afternoon, and he was surprised that he had spent that long sitting on the bench. Normally he moved during the day more, but he figured his injury was what was slowing him down.

A low grumble broke into his thoughts, and Blake smiled slightly as he realized it was his stomach growling. 

_Time to find some food._

Stealing dinner was a little bit harder than breakfast, but Blake still managed to get enough that he could eat a decent meal. Not as good as he had eaten during his stay with the two officers, but it was better than nothing. Pushing the thoughts of comfort from his mind, he sat down in a different alleyway and began to eat his meal, refusing to think about the duo he had left.

_Better to not get attached. They’re both police officers, and that’s a high risk job. I already know what happens to people I get attached too, and they don’t need that kind of mojo on them. They deserve better._

Not content, but able to deal with his decision, Blake curled up behind a new dumpster and went through his nightly ritual. After making sure he was alone, that his bag was secure, and that he could safely sleep, he finally let his eyes close, falling into an uneasy and disrupted sleep.

His daily pattern continued for the next two weeks, almost without fail. Each day he would steal breakfast, eat, and then find a way to occupy his time until the afternoon. Once it got close to dinner, Blake would steal his second meal, and then find a safe place to eat. He only had a few close calls during the thefts, but the police never got there soon enough. He did note that the same cruiser, 172, always seemed to be the one that responded, but that really didn’t bother him, as he chalked it up to just being their job. 

After eating, Blake would set up for sleep, and try and calm down for the night. That was the only thing that changed; each day, Blake’s nightmares grew more and more vivid, more and more violent. He began to relive some of his worst memories of combat each night, and often he would visit the same one in the same night. Each time, he would jolt awake in a cold sweat, panicking and unable to calm down for hours.

After another week passed, Blake finally had had enough. He knew what he needed to do. He knew that he had always know what he needed to do.

_After all, the best way to repay those you have failed is to join them in their loss._

Blake picked that Saturday as the day to do it. Might as well end it all on a weekend, where he would affect the least amount of mammals once discovered. He stole three meals that day, intent on at least going on a full stomach. After wandering the park, and enjoying his last supper, Blake knew it was time.

Moving off to a bulletin board, he grabbed the first paper he could and walked off without looking at it. The least he could do was leave a note for the first responders so they would know what had happened. He had the pen in his aid bag, so he knew that he could write the message. It wouldn’t be much, but it would be enough to avoid any unneeded police work.

When he finally reached his alley, Blake shrugged of his bag and sat down. Setting the paper and pen off to his side, he reached into his bag and pulled out three syringes, three needles, and a vial or morphine. Being as full as it was, Blake knew that it would be enough. Assembling the syringes into what he needed, Blake drew up far more than enough morphine than would be needed to kill himself.

_Finally have the courage to do what is needed. Least I’m not a coward anymore._ He thought, as he set down each syringe. All he had to do was write his letter, and then he could finally repay his debt.

Picking up the paper, Blake froze. Staring up at him on the sheet was his own face, but it wasn’t a wanted poster. As he looked over the poster, surprised, Blake realized that he was looking at a Missing Person’s report. He checked over the information, and was surprised to see that instead of an official police report being the reason, instead a private citizen had made the request.

_Who would care if I went missing?_ Blake thought, confused. _I don’t know anyone that well in this city, and I walked out on those two officers…_

As he read the paper further, he noticed that there were two numbers to call. One he instantly recognized as the ZPD number. The other he didn’t.

His interest slightly peaked, Blake looked between the paper and his morphine injections for several minutes.

_Ah, the morphine can wait. All I have to do is call this number and see who it is, hang up, and stick myself. Not hard to do._

Making sure to safely secure his injections, Blake put his bag back on his shoulder and walked off. Finding a public access phone, he dialed the number that he had on the paper.

He sat there waiting as the phone rang once. Twice. Three times.

Glancing up at the sky, Blake knew it was about 4:30pm, so if the person didn’t answer, they probably were at work.

The phone rang a fourth and fifth time, and then Blake heard the clicking sound that signaled the phone turning it over to the answering machine.

“Hi, this is Judy Hopps. I can’t--” was all Blake heard before he dropped the phone. He could still hear Judy’s voice coming from the headset, buzzing and distorted from the distance, but he took no notice. All he could focus on was the name he had just heard.

_She put out the missing person’s request. Not the ZPD, not the government, her. But..why?_ Blake thought, his mind now off the morphine in his bag as he thought over the new puzzle. _Why would she care so much to do that for someone she knows is guilty of a crime?_

Out of the corner of his eye, Blake watched a police cruiser roll by, but he didn’t move, still standing there, stunned. _I did nothing but treat them poorly, cause them trouble, and create issues. Why would she care enough to put this out?_

He heard a car roll to a stop behind him as the engine idled. Blake looked over his shoulder and saw a stopped police cruiser, the black numbers 172 distinct from the white body of the vehicle. Hanging up the phone, Blake turned back and began to walk away, almost in a daze. He heard what sounded like a vehicle following him, but in his current state, he didn’t really care. He just wandered a bit, watching as the sun began to sink further down the horizon.

With a start, Blake realized he had forgotten to do the very thing he had planned on doing. He also realized that he was now a mere block from the ZPD Precinct 1 office.

_Better get this over with. Less confusion that way anyways._

Glancing around, he saw the 172 patrol car was there, but there was no driver or passenger. Looking around a little more frantically, Blake scanned for the officers who had to be somewhere nearby. Seeing none, he moved off towards a bench and sat down, setting his bag next to him and opening it up. Pulling out the paper, he wrote the letter, stating that this was a suicide, that the cause of death was a opiate overdose, and that he was going to repay the debt he owed. Satisfied that he had done all that he needed too, Blake folded the paper up and set it on the bench next to him.

Reaching into the bag, Blake pulled out the first morphine injection, uncapped it, and after taking a calming breath, stuck it into his vein and depressed the plunger. 10mg of morphine raced into his system, and he pulled the syringe out, making sure to cap it before placing it back into his bag.

As he began to pull out the second injection, he heard an unfamiliar voice shout “ZPD! Freeze!”

Dropping the injection in panic, Blake looked up and saw three figures racing in from three different directions. He tried to stand up and run, but the morphine racing through his system made that difficult.

“On the ground! On the ground now!” Another voice shouted, and it sounded far more familiar.

As he sank down onto his knees, keeping his hands up and cursing his luck, Blake tried to figure out the voice. _Is that…_ he thought, and his fears were confirmed as he saw the tail swish, and a fourth officer appeared, a bunny shaped silhouette running towards him from another alley.

As the officers reached him, Blake felt himself filled with the urge to rage, to cry, but the calming effect of the morphine kept him from being able to do so. All he needed to do was lunge; a single attack would get the officers to shoot him, and it would be over, but he couldn’t muster the strength to do so.

“Dispatch, Patrol 172. We have 10-15 at this time of suspect drug case, over.” He heard Judy say as she walked forward, letting Nick and the other two officers cover him as Blake knelt there, his hands up. Unable to hear the response, Blake could only wait for her to reach him, waiting there as she frisked him down, reading off his rights to him. His tail was hidden by his bag, and the low light prevented her from seeing the color of his fur.

“Do you understand these rights read to you, sir?” He heard her ask, and he just gave a short nod. No need for her to hear his voice.

A sudden blinding light filled his face, and he yelped in slight pain at the brightness. His hands cuffed behind his back, he began to struggle as she went for the hood.

“Sir, stop resisting!” She shouted, before she finally put Blake into a chokehold and yanked off his hood. Blake heard a gasp from Nick, and suddenly the grip around his neck released.  
“Blake?” Judy managed to get out, taking a few steps back. “But...Blake, why?” She asked again, looking between him and the bag. “I know you had it rough, but...illegal drugs? You, a dealer?”

Blake just shrugged. If they thought he was a dealer, that was fine with him. He wouldn’t fight the case; he would confess and go to jail. He had a high likelihood of being killed there, anyways.

Hearing a heavy sigh, he listened as Judy searched his bag. Nick moved over to join her, while the other two officers, a polar bear and and cheeta, both moved Blake over to the patrol car, waiting for orders to put him into the back.

Blake watched as Nick and Judy searched, watched as they put both the syringes into evidence bags. He could see the sadness in Judy’s movements, like she was arresting an old friend, or doing something wrong. Nick moved with more of a purpose, searching for something. Blake scanned the ground with his eyes, and finally managed to find what he was looking for: his note. Underneath the bench, he knew that Officer Hopps would be unable to find it, but if they had been watching him, they might be looking for it. A cold sweat broke out on his body, as we waited, praying.

After several minutes, Judy abandoned the search and walked over, joining the two other officers. They began to discuss the sting the evidence they had gathered, while Nick kept searching. Blake could only watch with horror as he finally got down and searched underneath the bench, closing his hands around the note Blake had written.

He stood up, dusting his knees off, and began to walk over to everyone, unfolding the note. Blake closed his eyes for a second, and then opened them. He was weak and unsteady, and the morphine was making it almost impossible to focus now that the adrenaline from the sudden appearance was leaving his system.

Blake watched as Nick’s eyes widened, and he looked up from the note to look at Blake. With what little attention he had left, Blake barely noticed the sadness and compassion in his eyes. Unable to focus on the conversation, Blake watched as the officers all convened and began to discuss something. After a few moments, Nick walked up to Blake.

“How much did you take.” He asked quietly, as Blake watched Judy speak into her radio, while the other two officers turned and walked up the street towards the station.

“Ahhmm...10...10mgs” Blake managed to get out, but it was so hard to focus, to stay alert.

“Anything mixed in?” He asked, as Judy walked up and nodded at Nick.

“N-no.” Blake managed to say, and he felt the cuffs on his hands being released. He wanted to turn and run, to fight, to force them to kill him, but he was so tired.

“Ok. Let me know if you start to feel anything but sleepy, ok?” Nick helped to get Blake into the back of the police cruiser.

“Ok.” Blake let Nick guide him down into the set, and let them buckle him into the back. The door shut with a bang that seemed louder than normal,and the two officers go into the front seats of the vehicle.

“Chief’s okayed it. I’m just..god.” Judy said, and Nick nodded. “Let’s roll. Fast.” He said, looking back at Blake.

Blake tried to focus on Nick’s face, but he was just really tired. As blue and red lights began to flash, he leaned his head back and closed his eyes, listening to the loud wail of the siren as he slowly lapsed into a state of unconsciousness.


	14. Forced Hand

Blake slowly came too, hearing a steady beeping noise in whatever room he was in. 

_Well...that means I’m not dead..but how?_

With a soft groan, Blake opened his eyes to see a hospital room. Several monitors hung over his bed to his left, and he saw the IV tubing flow from a bag on a stand underneath his sheets. Lifting them slightly, he saw the IV in his arm.

 _So..how did I end up here?_ Thinking as hard as he could, Blake struggled to remember what had happened. He remembered sticking himself with the morphine, and then the police had shown up and arrested him.

_I know I was arrested, but I had already taken the morphine. I should be dead. So how did I end up here?_

Hearing the sound of an opening door, Blake looked over to see who was entering, and he saw a fox and a bunny, both dressed in police uniforms, entering his room. 

“Finally awake, huh?” Nick asked with a small smile as the duo walked over and sat down in two chairs that were next to Blake’s bed. “You’ve been out for a long time.”

Swallowing slightly to try and help the dryness in his throat, Blake managed to get out a simple question. “How?”

Judy bounced up into her seat as Nick answered. “Well, after I found your note, we contacted dispatch and changed to call. We then ran you the three blocks needed to Zootopia Central Hospital, which is where you are right now.” He sat back in his seat, his eyes locked on Blake’s. “We read your note, Blake.”

Looking down at the base of his bed, Blake said nothing. There was nothing to say; nothing he said could undo what had been done. “Blake.” He heard off on his right, but he ignored it.

_I can’t even manage to kill myself properly. Wonderful._

“Blake, look at me.” Nick said, and begrudging, Blake looked over at him. What he saw on the faces of Judy and Nick surprised him. They didn’t appear angry, or disappointed, or frustrated. Instead, Blake saw concern and compassion from both of them.

“That talk we had?” Nick continued, leaning forward slightly. “You obviously didn’t listen to my advice, because what happened means that it consumed you. Neither Judy nor I intend on letting that happen to you again.” He looked down at his hands, then back up at Nick. “So, you have a choice, Blake. You can keep refusing to talk to us, you can keep it trapped inside you, and you will be admitted to the psychiatric ward here. You will get diagnoses and treatment, and it will all be inpatient. You will stay here as long as the doctors decide, and once they deem you ready, they will release you to go wherever you want.”

Blake just shook his head. He wasn’t going to be some admitted patient; he certainly wasn’t going to talk to some random shrink who had no idea what he had done.

“Alternatively.” Nick kept going, watching Blake’s reaction. “The doctors can give you medication for depression. You then get released from the hospital, but you are released into the protective custody of myself and Officer Hopps. We will take you back with us to our place. There, you will stay with us, under observation. Each day, the three of us will go to the ZPD, where you will sit down with a group of officers from different backgrounds. You will be required to talk about what happened to you. Once everyone there is comfortable with your progress, you will do a single visit to a doctor, and if they clear you, you will be free to go.” He kept his eyes locked on Blake’s. “You have until the end of the day to decide, since the doctors will be able to release you now that you’ve woken up.” Standing up, he headed for the door, Judy following behind. “I’ll leave you be to think it over.” Pausing in the doorway, he looked back. “And for what it’s worth, I’m glad that you’re awake and doing ok.” With that, he and Judy left the room.

Blake sat there, stunned. Everything was moving far faster than he could process. Soon after they left, a nurse and doctor came in. Blake let them do their assessment and answered their questions, but he was only half paying attention. He spent most of his energy on trying to figure out how to respond to what Nick had said. One option was far better than the other, but he really wanted an option that would let him avoid either choice.

As the day went by, Blake continued to think over his options. He already knew which option he was going to take, and he could tell that the officers had stacked the odds in a way that would force his hand. He partially resented them for that, but since they had technically given him two options, he couldn’t complain that much. It just irked him how they knew how to manipulate him into following a specific path, regardless if he really wanted to follow it or not.

“Well, you’re clear for release.” The doctor finally said on his last trip into the room. “I just...well...you know.” He finished lamely, and Blake nodded that he understood as the doctor left the room, letting the door swing shut behind him. Sitting in the silence for a few minutes, Blake was along with his thoughts.

He wished he hadn’t found that poster, or been saved by the hospital. Blake still wished he could be dead, and he knew that now that he had failed once, they wouldn’t leave him alone enough for a second try. The sudden sound of a doorknob turning jarred into his thoughts.

Looking up, Blake watched as the door opened, and Nick, Judy, and Chief Bogo entered the room. The trio lined up along the side of the bed, all watching Blake. He shifted slightly, not liking all of the attention.

“You know why we’re here.” Chief Bogo said, and Blake nodded. “So since you’ve been cleared for release, we’re going to need that answer.”

“Like you really gave me any choice.” He responded bitterly, already knowing which option he was going to take.

“We gave you the options we could.” Nick said with a sign. “So give us an answer and we can get things rolling.”

Blake looked over all of them, trying to read their faces for any hint of an out. He was met with stone-cold faces in response. “I’m not staying in the hospital.”

“Alright. I’ll go get your paperwork, and leave Officers Hopps and Wilde to go over the details.” Bogo said, and he turned and walked out, closing the door behind him.

Blake watched him leave, and then turned his attention back to the two officers, whose expressions hadn’t changed. He shifted uncomfortably, his tail curling around his body, with the far to clean smell of the hospital making him uneasy. “Well?” He asked, his ear twitching slightly. “What about those details?”

Judy pulled up a chair and sat down, followed by Nick. “Well, for one, you’re going to be living with us again.” Nick said, pulling out his phone. “But this time, there are going to be some rules attached.” Opening something on his phone, he turned it around, allowing Blake to see the screen.

Sitting up slightly, Blake began to read down the list of rules. There were some general custody rules, like not being allowed out without a police escort. Others were house rules, such as maintaining some semblance of orders. The later parts of the list contained his mandates to attend the agreed upon therapy sessions, along with other requirements. The last rule caught his attention, and he knew that it wasn’t going to work if this was going to be required.

Looking up, Blake shook his head. “I’m not giving up my bag.”

“Blake, you do realize that you have to follow these rules.” Judy began, “Otherwise you’re going to end up back in here.”

“Then I might as well stay put.” He replied, his ear twitching again. “I’m not giving up my bag.” As he said that, he looked around for it, and felt a wave of relief as he saw it leaning up against the wall by his bed. At least it was safe.

“Blake, be--”

“Look, as long as we can pull the drugs out, I’m sure that we can let him keep the bag.” Nick interjected, cutting Judy off. She gave him a harsh glare as Blake gave Nick a look of thanks. “Nick, you know that we can’t let him have the bag. It contains all the drugs and everything.” She said matter-of-factly.

“I’m aware of that. I’m also aware that we can search the bag, take the drugs, and then let him keep what is safe for him to keep.” Nick replied, shifting in his chair so that he was looking straight at Judy. “Besides, he’s already stated that he won’t leave without it, and you know that it’s better for him to be with us than in a hospital.”

Looking between the two of them, Blake couldn’t tell what was going on between them, but he could tell that there was a lot of unspoken conversation. Judy tapped her foot impatiently, her mouth set and eyebrows furrowed slightly. With a sudden sigh, her foot stopped tapping and she relaxed her expression. “Fine. I’ll search the bag.” She turned around and walked over to it, beginning to unzip it and look around inside the bag.

Blake watched her search, slightly frustrated as she pulled out some of the drugs that weren’t dangerous. He didn’t argue out of fear of losing his bag. She dropped all the drugs into a bag and sealed it, placing it on the table next to the wall, and then turned around, also holding a picture in her hand. A cold feeling filled Blake’s chest as she walked over and handed the picture to Blake. “Who’s that?” She asked, jumping back up into her seat.

The coldness in Blake’s chest got ice cold as he looked at the picture she had handed him. Staring back up at him, idiot grins on their faces, was himself and Finnaly. The two were wearing cold weather gear and had their weapons released, the one point slings holding them at the perfect position to grab them. Standing on side of a mountain, the duo had their climbing gear on, along with all of their tactical gear, with a bright yellow orange sunset in the background. Blake still remembered that climb; it had been his first climb with the team when he had joined them. SGT Finnaly had been the first member of the group to come talk to him, and the two had quickly hit it off as friends. Swallowing slightly, he looked up at the two officers, trying to keep his emotions off his face as they began to fill his chest.

“Just another soldier.” He replied, curling his tail tighter around his body as his voice wavered slightly. “Why?”

“Doesn’t sound like ‘just another soldier.’” Judy said back, leaning forward slightly. “Who is he?”

The nervous feeling in Blake’s chest grew. He didn’t want to talk about this; not right now, not ever. They hadn’t know Finnaly, and they never would because of his failure. Staring at the picture, Blake tried to sort through his emotions. He knew that she wouldn’t let this go, but he wasn’t willing to tell them about this just yet. Not with how much it hurt.

“Well?” She asked, her foot beginning to tap again. “Who is he?”  
Blake’s ear twitched as he looked from Judy to the picture and back again, still not answering. He began to try and formulate a way to answer without really answering, but he couldn’t come up with anything.

“It’s not that hard to do. Just give me a name.” He heard her say, and he tensed up a bit. The bunny just didn’t know when to quit.

“Judy.” He heard Nick say, and the tone carried an unspoken order to drop the subject. Looking up, Blake watched the two of them have another staring contest, and it was yet another one that Nick seemed to win. With a sigh, Judy looked back over at Blake. “We’ll talk about this later.” She said, a slight tinge of anger in her voice as she stood up and walked over to the bag of drugs. “I’ll go turn this into evidence.” Nick nodded, and she walked out of the room.

Giving Nick a look of thanks, Blake relaxed back slightly, looking up at the ceiling. Even though he was being released, he felt like he wasn’t going to be totally free just yet.


	15. Opening the Book

The ride back to the apartment was sullen, especially with the silence. Blake thought about asking for music a few times, but he rejected the idea. He didn’t want to interact with anyone at this point. He just wanted to be left alone, but now that he was in police custody, that wasn’t going to happen.

As the cruiser pulled to a stop outside the apartment, Nick and Blake both got out, Blake grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

“I’ll be back after the shift.” Judy said to Nick as he shut the door, and he nodded in response. As the duo turned and walked up the stairs to the apartment, the cruiser pulled away and began to drive off towards the station.

The walk up the stairs left Blake a little winded, but he managed to hide it from Nick, who seemed perfectly fine with the walk. Figuring it was due to his recent overdose, Blake knew that he would recover with time, but it would take some rest.

“The cot is yours.” Nick said as he entered the apartment, and Blake followed, letting the door swing shut behind him with a soft bang.

Blake walked over and plopped his bag down on the cot, taking in the pillow and sheets. At least the cot was better than sleeping in an alley, but the fact that he was in official custody didn’t really help with matters. Turning around, he watched as Nick walked back down the hall and into the room with Blake. “Need anything else?” He asked, as he sat down on the couch. Blake shook his head, laying back on his cot as Nick turned on the TV and began to watch the news.

Blake shifted on the cot, and then moved over to the table where he could see the TV. Nothing major was going on, so the news was pretty dry. Just like it had been prior to Blake enlisting.

Shaking off the thoughts, Blake walked back over to his bag and picked it up, bringing it back to the table with him. He began his ritual of bag assessment; making sure that all of his equipment was actually there, minus the drugs. He was still frustrated about that, but at least he had been able to keep his bag. He was still missing a bit of his bleeding control equipment, but he had been missing that ever since he had treated Nick in that alley ages ago. He glanced up at Nick, and was surprised to see him watching him.

“You go through that bag a lot.” Nick commented, muting the TV and walking over to the table, sitting down in a chair across from Blake. “If you don’t mind me asking, why do you?”

Blake shrugged. “Just...habit? I dunno.” He sorted through his airway control equipment as he spoke, verifying that everything was ready and packed away where it needed to be. “I always needed to be prepared to go on a moment's notice, and this bag is part of my gear. I need to make sure that it’s just as ready as I am.”  
“Fair enough.” Nick leaned back in the chair, stretching as he watched Blake finish sorting through his bag. “Sorry about Judy jumping down your throat earlier. Sometimes she just doesn’t know when to quit.”

Blake shrugged again, moving onto doing the inventory on his IV/IO supplies. “She was just doing her job. Sure, it was pushy, but she’s a police officer. It’s what you guys do.” He made sure that his fluid bags weren’t expired, and then packed them away into the bag. “Thanks for covering for me, and thanks for getting me that bag.” He said, his voice clearly carrying the thanks.

“No problem.” Nick watched as Blake finally reassembled the bag in full and zipped it up, placing the bag on the ground next to him. “I know all too well what is like, not wanting to talk about the past.” He locked eyes with Blake, and Blake looked down at the table, unwilling to meet his gaze. He couldn’t read him, and that confused him more than anything. “But you do need to share some of the load Blake, because it’s obvious now that it is destroying you.”

Blake didn’t answer. He couldn’t. After everything that had happened, the fighting, the death, his own failed suicide, he didn’t know what he was anymore, who he was. He had failed to save some lives, but he had saved others, and taken even more. He had done things he was proud of, and things that he wished he could go back and undo. Most of all, he wished that he could just stop the dreams, the nightmares.

“Blake.” He heard, and he looked up slightly, looking at Nick. “Look. I know that you don’t want to talk about these things.” Nick stood up and began to pace. “But at the same time, I can’t just let you go; let you off the hook.” He stopped and turned, facing Blake. “You gave too much up to this country, this place Blake. Far to much. I’m not going to let you kill yourself, not when there’s a chance of helping you.” He walked over and sat back down, his voice growing firmer. “Judy feels the same way. So do the rest of the people who know what’s going on.” He leaned back in the chair again. “So, we’re going to have to start this somewhere Blake. I don’t care if it’s a name, a story, or even just a place that you want to visit.”

Blake’s ear twitched, and almost unconsciously he reached into his pocket and pulled out the picture of him and Finnaly. Setting on the table, he stared at the picture for a few minutes, just thinking. He was half aware of Nick waiting for him to speak, but he didn’t focus on it to much. Slowly reaching a decision, he tapped the picture twice, before speaking. “Well...to answer the original question.” He began, pointing to Finnaly on the picture. “That’s SGT Finnaly. He was a member of my team when we got hit that day.” He finished, trying to keep his tone light.

Nick looked down at the picture. “Were you two close?” he asked, curiosity evident in his voice.

Blake cracked a slight smile at that. “He had just made the rank when I got there, and I was the youngest member on the team. Also the lowest ranking. We hung out a lot, and got into plenty of trouble. I have plenty of stories of the dumb things that we did.”

Nick nodded. “So how’d he take you getting discharged?”

Blake froze at that, trying to figure out how to answer it. As the silence dragged on, Nick shifted in his seat. “I’m assuming he didn’t take it well?” He asked tentatively.

“He...never got a chance to find out.” Blake finally managed to get out, his chest tightening as he spoke. “He was killed during a raid.” he finished, his hands curling into fists as he spoke the words aloud. He knew that he had failed Finnaly, but he wasn’t ready to tell anyone else that. They would have to hate him then, or at the very least reject him. Nobody wanted to keep around failures.

Nick froze, looking down at the table, then the picture, then back up at Blake. “I’m sorry.” Was all he said.

Blake looked at the picture for a minute, then put it back into his pocket. “You didn’t kill him. You have nothing to be sorry for.” His ear twitched, and Blake began to look around the room. “But if it’s all the same to you, I’d rather not talk about this right now.”

“I understand.” Nick replied, standing up and moving over to the fridge. “Is there anything you are ok talking about?” He asked, as he opened the fridge and pulled out two drinks.

“Umm…” Blake began, unsure what to say as Nick shut the door and walked back over, setting one drink down across from Blake and keeping the other for himself. “Thanks.” Taking a sip of the soda, he sighed and leaned back a bit. “I mean...it really depends on how much you want to know.”

“Whatever you want to share. Like I said, I’m not going to force you to talk about anything you don’t want to talk about, but knowing you’re job, I’m sure that there are things you do want to get off your chest.” Nick said, taking a long drink from his own drink.

Blake mulled over the different things he could talk about, trying to decide what he wanted to talk about. Anything from his time in ASOC was out, more because he didn’t want to drag up those memories than security reasons. He also wanted to leave out most of the stuff from his second tour with the infantry, simply because that tour had been pretty violent. He also knew that he had to give Nick something, otherwise he wouldn’t let it go.

Coming to a decision, he looked back up. “If you’re really interested...it’s not a pretty story.”   
Blake said lamely, watching Nick’s face for any reaction.

“Pretty doesn’t matter. If you want to get it off your chest, tell me.” Nick replied, still sitting back in his chair.

Taking another drink and then slowly getting his thoughts together, Blake knew that he had no choice.

“Well, the day really did start like any other day on patrol.”


	16. Storytelling

“We left the COP just like we always did, early and ready for yet another day on foot in the villages below.” Blake began, settling back into his chair to tell the story.

“COP?” Nick asked, slightly confused.

“Sorry, Combat Outpost.” Blake explained. “Basically a place that we stayed at to allow us to conduct patrols, among other things. Anyways, we left, and headed down into the local village. The mission for the day was just to conduct yet another presence patrol, talk to the locals, see if we could locate any insurgent forces, just another day on deployment.” He rolled his eyes. “Of course, the day didn’t end up like that.”

“Go on.” Nick encouraged, taking another sip from his drink as he listened.

“About noonish, we made contact with a local village elder. He wasn’t being as cooperative as he normally was, so the patrol stuck around a little longer to try and see if we could figure out what was going on.” Blake sighed. “I’m not quite sure how much time had passed, but eventually we managed to convince him to tell us what was going on. It turned out that a local insurgent force had buried a few IEDs on a road leading out of the village, and had told the elder that if he warned us, they would come back and kill him and his family. So, we called it up, and continued on the patrol, now even more alert towards contact.”

“Was that kind of thing normal?” Nick asked, setting his drink down on the table. “Doesn’t seem like a good way to keep control of the people there, especially if the insurgents acted like that all the time.”

“Different lifestyle, different culture, different rules.” Blake responded. “Fear can be a powerful weapon, especially when it comes from threats that have been followed through on before. We took it seriously, and we kept the patrol up. About an hour after that, we took some light small arms fire. Nobody got hit, but we began to engage in a firefight.” Looking down at his hands, Blake thought over the moments of that day. The initial contact, moving into the ditches, and beginning to advance on the enemy position. “We moved into some ditch on the side of the road and began to push up. We had just started advancing when the pointman stepped on an IED that had been buried in the ditch, probably in event that we did exactly what we did.” Pausing, Blake grabbed his own drink and took a sip, trying to figure out how to explain the next part.

“Take your time.” Nick said gently. “We’ve got all day.”

Blake’s ear twitched as he thought, and finally he decided to just tell it how it had happened, details and all. “No, it’s fine. There was a sudden explosion, and then seconds later I remember hearing the guys up with him start shouting for a medic. I sprinted up and managed to get to them, two of them on security and a third trying to get a tourniquet on his left leg.” Blake sighed heavily and looked up at Nick. “Poor guy with missing both his legs at the knee, and had all kinds of shrapnel wounds to his arms and face. I dropped down and helped get tourniquets on both his legs, and we got those bleeds controlled pretty quick. Had to use two eye shields because of the shrapnel wounds to his face, but thankfully his airway was still intact. Had that not been, I’m not sure how it would’ve gone.” Taking another sip, Blake continued “I got the IV in, but since he still had pulses there wasn’t any need to push fluid. The saline lock was enough. He was unconscious, so I didn’t push any meds either. During all of this, we were still taking some light fire, but it wasn’t much.”

“And after that?” Nick asked, leaning forward slightly, interested in where the story was going.

“After that? Well, we got him on a litter and carried him back. We managed to get a Dustoff flight out, and they flew him out to whatever CSH that he was supposed to go to.” Noticing more confusion on Nick’s face, Blake explained “Dustoff is the callsign for any medical evacuation, or MEDEVAC, flights. CSH stands for Combat Support Hospital.”

“So you managed to evacuate him.” Nick said, and Blake nodded in response. “Did anyone else get hit during the fight?”

Blake shook his head. “Nope. We never did find the insurgents, but we think that we got at least one, and the others took his body with them when they retreated. Later on, an explosive ordinance disposal team came out and took care of the IEDs on the road. We got back without any other trouble, but everyone was still shaken up with what had happened. He did make it home, and that’s what mattered the most.”

Nick nodded in agreement. “Sounds like you did a good job.”

Blake shrugged. “I just did my job. My job was to be the guy who would make sure they would all make it home. Sometimes I did my job, and other times I either failed, or couldn’t do anything to begin with. Those were the worst.” He said with a sigh, finishing off his drink.

“You can’t always save everyone.” Nick said as he stood up.

Sensing the conversation was drawing to a close, Blake stood up as well. “I know that from first hand experience. Doesn’t make it hurt any less.” He finished, walking back over to his cot, setting his bag by the head of his cot as he lay down.

“Well, I’m gonna go take care of some stuff.” Nick said, heading off down the hall. “If you need anything, let me know. I’ll make sure we either get it, or have it get taken care of.”

“Roger.” Blake replied, closing his eyes. He was tired, especially after the whole ordeal of the day. He knew he needed a nap, but he didn’t want the dreams to come back like they always did.

Tossing and turning, Blake tried to get himself settled. He finally did, and slowly drifted off to sleep, hoping that for once it would be the peaceful grip of rest, and not the terror of nightmares.


	17. Rebound

Blake bolted upright, cold sweat running down the back of his neck. Looking around the room his eyes wide, he took in his surroundings. He was on his cot in the apartment, with Nick and Judy both sitting at the table, their backs to him, talking softly. He took a few deep breaths, trying to calm himself.

 _Just another nightmare._ He thought, swinging his feet over and onto the floor, the cot letting out a creak as he moved. Both Nick and Judy turned around at the sound, and Blake looked over at them as he stood up. “Hey.” He said, stretching as he stood.

“Good nap?” Judy asked, her head tilted slightly to one side as she watched him, waiting for his response.

Blake shrugged. “It was a nap. Got some sleep at least.” He lied, moving over to the table, letting his bag rest against his cot. He made sure to take seat at the table where he could quickly get to the bag if needed.

“So, Nick and I were talking.” Judy began, tapping her foot against the chair slightly. Blake’s ear twitched at the sound; he could tell that they were going to tell him something that would affect him directly. “We’ve decided that tomorrow, you’re going to come into the station with us and have your first sit down with the group there.”

Blake looked at the center of the table, and shrugged again. “Whatever works for you.” He replied, his voice flat and unemotional.

The tapping stopped, and Judy sat forward, resting her hands on the table. “Blake, I know this is difficult, but you have to do this. You agreed, and besides, it’ll be good for you.”

“Because everyone else knows what’s good for Blake.” Was his response, looking up to glare at Judy. “Like I said, it’s whatever. You guys plan whatever you want. With this agreement, I don’t really have much of a choice.”

“Blake, come on. We’re trying to do what’s best for you.” Judy said, but her voice carried some of the strain of the conversation. “Yes, you might not like the agreement, but sometimes we have to do what’s right, and not what we want. This is one of those times where someone else knows what’s good for you. What will help you get better.”

Blake felt the white hot anger flash across his chest, cutting through him like a knife. That, combined with the stress of the nightmare he had had, was enough to force him to snap back.

_How dare she. How dare she think she’s so high and mighty, so much better than I that she knows what’s right._

“Oh, excuse me. I didn’t know that everyone else knew what was best for me.” Blake snarled. “I didn’t know that I wasn’t a person capable of making my own decisions.”

Judy drew back quickly at the snarl, creating space between herself and Blake. Nick shifted so that if Blake wanted to move forwards, he would have to go through him to get to Judy, but his face was one of concern more than alarm. Blake kept his eyes locked on Judy, his glare burning into her. “You have no idea what happened. You sit there and you judge what’s best for me, you claim that everything you do is best for me, but you know nothing about me. What you know is stuff that you looked up behind my back; things that a document told you, that doctors told you. Shock and awe, maybe, just maybe, you should think more along the lines of me being a person and not a problem.” Blake finished, stood up, and walked off down the hall towards the bathroom. His hands were clenched into fists and shaking slightly. 

Entering the bathroom, he shut and locked the door, shaking with frustration. Every time someone tried to help him, they treated him like this. Each time, he got told that he was a problem, that he needed to just be fixed.

 _I might be broken, but I’m a person still. I’m still a person._ He thought, pacing around the incredibly small space. _I might not even deserve to be alive, but I’m a person._

A soft knock at the door caused Blake to jump slightly and turn around, facing the door. “Blake?” He heard Judy say soft, almost like she was nervous.

He sighed. “What do you want?”

“I wanted to apologize.” She said, and Blake started slightly. “I didn’t realize what I was saying was making you feel like a problem. I do want to help you, Blake, and I’m sorry it’s not coming across like that.” He heard her sigh through the door. “You’re right. I don’t know you, nor do I know much about you. But I do want to find out, Blake.” He heard Judy turn around and start to walk away down the hallway. “You just need to let us in.”

Blake stood there for a few moments, then sat down on the counter and rested his head in his hands. He didn’t know what to say. He hadn’t expected an apology like that, and he could hear the honesty in her voice as she spoke. She really did want to help.

 _Why? After what I’ve done outside here, and then what I’ve done while here. Why would she still want to help me?_ He thought, trying to puzzle out the solution. Unable to, he stood up and began to pace around again. After a few minutes, he realized that he couldn’t figure it out. It made no logical sense.

_So then the only way that I’m going to get an answer is to go ask._

Taking a deep breath, Blake moved over and unlocked the door. Opening the door, he stepped out into the hall and looked down towards the kitchen. Judy and Nick were both sitting at the table, eating. Slowly, Blake walked down the table towards them, unsure of what to say. As he approached, they both looked up at them, their conversation stopping.

“Hey.” Judy said, her voice quieter than normal.

“Hey.” Blake replied, looking down at the ground, his ear twitching. “Sorry about earlier.”

“Don’t worry about it, Blake.” She replied. “I was wrong in how I approached it.”

Blake shook his head, looking up at her. “No, you weren’t. I overreacted, and I also let other things get to me that you weren’t aware of. You can’t do the right thing, make the right decision, without all the information.” Tentatively sitting down at an open chair, he looked over both their faces, trying to read them. All he could see was concern from Judy, and nothing from Nick. “Which is partially why I’m out here now. I have...I have some questions that I need the answers to.”

“Go ahead and ask.” Nick said, looking between Judy and Blake. “If we can answer them, we will.”

Blake took another deep breath and slowly let it out. “Why?” He asked. “After what I have done, what I recently did, even what I just said minutes ago, why do you still want to help me?” The confusion was evident in his voice, like he was missing the piece of some important puzzle.

Judy and Nick exchanged looks of surprise, and then back to Blake. “It’s...Blake, we care. You deserve to feel better. You deserve to have a place to stay, people to talk to, you deserve to be treated right. Even though we’ve messed up before, we’re going to do our best to not do it again.” Judy answered, keeping the confusion off her face as best she could.

With a start, Blake realized that she was telling the truth. Somehow, he could read it in her eyes, in her voice, in the very way she was sitting at the table next to him. Looking over to Nick, he could see the same thing. He didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t tell what he was feeling, but it was something different from the normal coldness that he felt all the time. 

_They care. They actually care._

The thought rang in his head, and Blake tried to make sense of it all. After everything that had happened, especially after his being discharged, he had figured that nobody would ever care again. Yet, here he was, with these two, who cared enough to make sure that he was ok. Not because it was their job, not because they were being paid, but because they just cared.

“Oh...ok.” Blake managed to get out slowly, having some trouble forming the words. “Well...umm...thanks.” He said lamely, while Nick and Judy both watched on, slightly concerned.  
“You ok?” Judy asked, and Blake nodded. “Yeah, just...sorta tired.” He lied, standing back up and moving back over to his cot. “I’ll just take another nap.” He said, laying back down and closing his eyes, thinking about his options for talking with them.

While they had said they cared, he wasn’t sure he could trust them 100% yet. Before he told them about a lot of things, he had to make sure that he could trust all of them.

 _Nothing about the guys from ASOC. Nothing about any released missions. But the time I spent with the infantry units...that’s something I guess I can share._ He thought, as he began to drift off into yet another disturbed sleep.

_And maybe even later, I can share the nightmares._


	18. Flashpoint

The next few days passed quickly for Blake. Between getting settled back into living with Nick and Judy, and the daily trips to the police station, he had almost no time to himself. The little time he did have was spent thinking, mostly trying to process everything that had happened. He still did have nightmares each night, but Blake wasn't sure if there was any way for him to bring them up without either making it weird or forcing the conversation.

Blake still wasn’t quite sure how he was still alive. He knew that the hospital had done their work fast, and it was also partially because he had been transported so quickly. At the same time, he knew that if he had stayed in that alley, nobody would have found him. He couldn’t figure out why he had walked on after he had made the call. All he had had to do was go back to the alley, but he hadn’t.

“Blake? Breakfast is ready.” He heard Nick say, jolting him out of his own thoughts.

“Oh, thanks.” He replied, getting up and walking over to the table. He sat down at his normal spot and began to eat, enjoying the taste of cooked food again.

 _Still far better than scavenging._ He thought, as Judy entered the room and grabbed her food as well.

“Morning guys.” She said as she sat down as well. “Everybody ready for another day?”

Nick and Blake nodded in response, and Blake stood up as he finished his meal. “Let me know once we’re leaving.” He said as he walked down the hall to the bathroom.

Getting ready for the day didn’t take Blake long, as he never had been one to take a long time in the bathroom. In about 10 minutes, he had finished getting ready and was back out by his cot, waiting for Judy and Nick to finish breakfast.

 _Once we get to the station, hopefully I’ll just be left alone._ He thought, as he watched the duo finish their meal. It wasn’t that he hated having to be around people, he just didn’t like constantly talking with people who didn’t truly understand. They did listen, and they did treat him like a person instead of a broken tool or weapon, which did help. The problem Blake ran into was that they didn’t understand. They could listen and feel sympathy, but they didn’t understand what had happened to him.

_Nobody can, not here. They weren’t there; they didn’t see it happen. And the worst part is, no matter how much they ask, I don’t know how to help them understand. I’m not even sure that I can make them understand._

“Time to go.” Nick said, standing up, and Blake followed, picking up his bag and slinging it over his shoulder as he walked out the door, followed by Judy.

The trio took the stairs, and from there walked out and down the street. The walk from the apartment to the station was only 10 minutes, but Blake kept up a constant watch around them as they moved, always aware of where Nick and Judy were, while at the same time scanning for threats. He relaxed only slightly as they entered the station, where they all said their usual morning greetings to everyone. As Nick and Judy headed off to the bullpen, Blake walked down to their office and sat down, waiting for their return.

 _Maybe they can get an actual assignment today, and I won’t have to deal with them babysitting me after the therapy session._ He thought, letting his bag drop from his shoulder to rest by his legs. _And hopefully today just goes like the last sessions have._

A quarter of an hour later, Blake watched officers stream out of the bullpen and either out to the parking lot or back into offices. He nodded politely as multiple officers walked past, and they returned his nod. The one thing he had been surprised by had been how fast they had adapted to him being in the station regularly. After getting introduced to everyone, they had simply accepted him as part of the group now, almost like a family.

_In that respect, they’re almost like the group was; doesn’t matter how new you are, or where you’re from; you’re one of the family from the start._

Sitting up as Nick and Judy walked in, Blake was surprised to see a third officer follow them in. The gray wolf, nodded politely to him as the other two officers sat down in their seats, before turning around to face everyone in the office.

“Officer Grayston, Blake West.” Judy said, and Blake stood as the officer stepped forward. The two shook hands, before they both turned to face Nick and Judy. “Mr. West is staying with us due to extenuating circumstances.” She explained to Officer Grayston, who nodded. “Blake, Officer Grayston is going to be riding with us over the next week or so, since apparently the two of us are to be his field training officers.”

Blake nodded in response, looking over the officer. He looked like he was in his mid to late twenties, and he bore a few scars that suggested he had been in a few fights in his day. The way he stood in the room projected his confidence, and Blake instantly knew that he was someone who wasn’t to take lightly.

_Thankfully he’s not after me, because that wouldn’t end well if he was._

“One more thing.” Judy said, as she began to draw gear. “We’ve been assigned to go out on some community interaction job; we’re going out to a school to talk with the kids.” She paused, then looked up and continued. “If you want, you’re allowed to tag along. If you do come, we’ve agreed to let it stand as your visit for the day.”

“What all do I have to share with them?” Blake asked, tensing slightly. He noticed Grayston tense as well out of the corner of his eye, but he was sure that it was in reaction to his own tensing.

“Nothing that you don’t want to.” Judy replied. “If you want to share things with them you can, but it’s not going to be a requirement. All we ask is that you don’t chase any of them off.”

Thinking it over for a few seconds, Blake relaxed and nodded. “Deal.” 

Judy smiled, and bounced up to her feet. “Sweet. Let’s get this over with then.” She called as she walked out of the office. Blake swung his bag up off the floor and onto his shoulder and followed her out. He noticed Grayston and Nick talking quietly behind him as he walked, but he was to far away to hear any of the conversation.

Reaching the cruiser, they all got in, with Nick and Judy sitting in the front, and Blake and Grayston in the back. The ride was short and uneventful; Judy and Nick spent their time talking and joking like they always did, while Blake and Grayston both rode in back in silence. As they pulled up to the school, Blake’s ear twitched slightly. 

_It’s just a bunch of kids, and half of them never understand what’s going on around them anyways._ He thought as the cruiser pulled to a stop and they all stood up and got out. _Nothing to be worried about._

“Nervous?” Blake turned to face Grayston, who had asked the question. He had a semi-challenging look on his face, almost as if he was daring Blake to shoot a reply back.

Blake shrugged. “Never did like getting up in front of people much, but i’ve been in worse situations before.” he replied.

Eyes locked with Graystons, the two entered a staring match, each trying to read the other. Blake shivered slightly under the gaze, which was cold and shielded.

 _It’s almost as if he has something to hide._ Blake thought, as they broke the staring contest and walked into the school. _Like there’s something he doesn’t want the rest of us to know._ He shrugged of the thoughts as Nick lead the group through the school, leading them to the classroom they were going to be speaking at.

As the hours passed, Blake grew bored with hearing the same speech over and over, but it still beat being stuck in an office all day. He watched as they finished speaking for the final time, the kids all clapping, but obviously ready to leave for the day.

“Well, that went well.” Blake said, watching as all the kids filed out. “You guys did good.”

“Thanks.” Nick replied, as the group all started to walk back out towards the cruiser. “Thanks for coming along, even though you didn’t do much speaking.”

Blake shrugged. “Not much I could say. I’m not a police officer, and besides, you saw what that was about. They wanted a chance to speak to their heros-” he gestured to the group of officers “-and I’m not one of them.”

“You could be.” Judy said as they walked, and Blake felt his shoulders tense at the comment.

“No.” He replied flatly. “I can’t.” He walked on ahead, quickly making distance between himself and the others as they departed the school. He reached the cruiser before they did, and Blake took a few moments to calm himself down as he sat on the trunk.

She didn’t understand. None of the officers did. They didn’t understand that as a medic, he had made a promise to bring people home, and he had failed to keep that promise. Soldiers had died because he hadn’t been fast enough in his work, and Blake couldn’t forgive himself for that.

Looking up, he watched as the trio of officers walked up to the cruiser, as a child trailed along behind them, looking pretty nervous.

“All I’m gonna say is that you did well Carrots.” Nick said with a grin. “Those kids ate the speech up.”

Rolling her eyes, but grinning all the same, Judy shot back with “Just like they ate up yours, Mr. I’m-To-Cool-For-This.”

“You wound me Carrots.” Nick said with a laugh, clutching at his chest as if Judy had stabbed him.

“Check six.” Blake said, and the trio turned around to face the child, who looked up at them, startled.

“Whatcha need kiddo?” Nick asked, squatting down so that he was at eye level with the child.

“I, uh...I was wondering if you would sign this?” The child as hopefully, holding up a notebook and a pen.

Nick smiled. “I’m sure we could arrange that.” He said, taking the notebook and signing his name. He turned and handed it up to Judy, who signed it as well. 

The notebook made its way over to Officer Grayston, and he signed as well, and then turned to hand the notebook over to the child. Taking it, he slipped past the trio of officers and looked up at Blake, offering the notebook up to him. “You too?” He asked hopefully.

Blake looked down at the boy, surprised. “I’m not a police officer.” He replied, slipping off the trunk and landing softly. He knelt down next to the child, looking into the kid’s eyes, which stared back.

“I know.” The kid replied, looking back at Blake. “But..” he looked down at his feet, then back up at Blake. “You have that bag.” He pointed to Blake’s bag.

“Umm...yeah.” Blake said, slightly surprised. “I do have the bag. But why do you want my signature because of that?” He asked, still confused.

“My daddy has a picture of himself with someone with that bag.” The kid responded, and Blake’s heart froze in his chest. “My dad lost his leg fighting, but he said that the man with the bag saved his life. He said that he was a hero.” Blake heard Judy’s soft gasp behind him, but he ignored it. His attention was focused on the child before him, and on the thoughts racing through his mind.

“He said that the man saved his life when he was hurt.” The child continued. “He said that he was a hero.” Blake looked down at the kid, who looked up at him, the innocence of what he was saying clearly displayed on his face. “I just...I wanted to get the signatures of all the hero’s who came to speak today.” He said, still holding up the notebook and pen. “Can I please have yours?”

Blake knelt there, frozen for a few seconds. He couldn’t move; couldn’t breathe. This child had no idea who he was, and was making all of his judgement off of a single bag. All because his father had been saved by a medic. He automatically assumed that Blake was a hero because of the bag that he had, and in the child’s mind, he was. As much as Blake knew that he wasn’t a hero, he didn’t want to crush the dreams of the child.

Smiling slightly, Blake took the pen. “Sure kid.” He said, and simply signed the page ‘SPC B. “Doc” West.’ before handing it back. Accepting the notebook, the child made a wow face, before closing it and grinning up at him.

“Thank you!” He said, smiling at the entire group before turning and running off.

Blake watched him run off, still smiling slightly as he watched. He was aware that Judy and Nick were watching him, but he didn’t care. The child was happy, and that was what mattered.

“So..anyone going to tell me what that was about?” Officer Grayston asked, clearly confused.

Blake looked over at the other two, who looked back over at him. “We didn’t tell him.” Nick said, shifting slightly. “We figured that was your business to handle.”

“Tell me what?” Grayston asked, slightly miffed that he had been left out of some sort of discussion. “What am I missing here?”

Blake looked between the trio. None of them looked openly upset, but Grayston looked annoyed at the whole situation. Picking his bag up, Blake opened the door to the cruiser. “I’ll tell you on the way back.” He said, getting inside and shutting the door.

Grayston entered the vehicle from the other side and sat down, looking towards Blake. “Alright. What was that about.”

Blake waited a few moments, processing his thoughts. As Judy started the engine, he looked out the back of the cruiser, and then back at Grayston.

“That was because I used to be a combat medic.”


	19. Out of Left Field

During the ride back to the station, Blake spent the time talking with Grayston. He was surprised at how many questions the officer had to ask, and was further surprised at how genuine the questions were. Blake could tell that Grayston just wanted to know his story. He was also happy that Grayston didn’t push for any details; if he left something out, it was left alone.

When they finally reached the station, Blake had filled Grayston in on most of the things he had told the rest of the group in the therapy sessions. He told him about running into Judy and Nick, his failed suicide, and the one story about the casualty that he had saved. He didn’t share anything more than that, and he made sure to not mention any of the times he had failed. As much as they cared, Blake couldn’t take the risk of making them hate him over that.

“I don’t know how you did it.” Grayston said as he exited the cruiser.

Blake shrugged and got out as well. “I mean..I guess i just did it, if that makes any sense. People were counting on me to do a job, and I did that job.” _And other times, I failed._ He thought.

“Still, doing anything like that is way harder than just being a police officer.” Blake looked at Grayston, surprised. “Don’t look at me like that; it’s obviously true. You volunteered to race into gunfire to save the life of anyone who was wounded. Not many people can do something like that.”

Blake shrugged again. “They volunteered to go fight for us. The least I can do is give them the best shot at coming home.” The duo walked towards the station entrance behind Nick and Judy, with Blake unable to place the look that Grayston was giving him.

As they entered the station, Blake turned his attention back to the area surrounding him. Several officers were at the dispatch desk, either talking with dispatchers or booking criminals they had arrested. Others were back in the offices, working on paperwork, with even more coming into the station and heading to the bullpen for shift change.

“We’ll be right back.” Nick said, and Blake nodded, stopping at the hallway that lead back to the locker rooms. This was the normal routine; at shift change, the officers would go back and change, while Blake waited in the lobby for their return.

While Nick and Judy changed, Blake lounged against the wall and watched the station. People came and went, but nobody paid him any attention. Some of the officers waved or said hello, and Blake returned their kindness, but he didn’t go out of his way to start conversation. Chief Bogo came out to speak to officers coming off shift, and then he headed back towards the bullpen, folders in hand, ready to brief the night shift on their missions for the night.

“Ready?” Blake started slightly and turned to face Nick and Judy, both changed back into civilian clothing and waiting for him. Nodding in response, the trio walked out of the station, saying their goodbyes to the officers coming onto and off of shift. Once they reached the street, they started walking towards the apartment.

“I’m glad you came along today, Blake.” Judy said after a few minutes of silent walking. “Even though you didn’t share any stories, I think it went well.”

“I guess so.” He replied, not really focusing on the conversation.

“You did good, Blake.” Nick added. “Especially with dealing with that child at the end.”

Blake just sighed. He still didn’t know what to think of that. “I couldn’t crush the dreams of a kid.” He finally said. “If he wants to think that this bag automatically makes anyone a hero, who am I to tell him otherwise?”

Head down, Blake didn’t see the look that Nick and Judy exchanged before they continued walking on, silent. Blake followed, but he was lost in his own thoughts.

 _Kid thought I was a hero. I wish I had told him the truth. I’m no hero, I’m just a broken soldier, a broken medic, who lost more than he gained. I shouldn’t have signed that notebook._ He thought as he walked, almost numb to the world around him. _After all, that was a lie. And at the same time, I didn’t want to crush his hope. He just looked so happy asking me for that signature…_

Blake was so lost in thought that he almost walked right past the apartment entrance. He realized what he was doing just before he walked down the street and away from the apartment, and managed to correct his course before either of the two officers noticed his mistake. They walked up the stairs to the apartment, and upon entering Blake went and sat down on his cot while Nick and Judy went to do whatever they needed to do.

Blake set his bag down and lay back, closing his eyes. It had been a longer than normal day, and he was a little tired from being out longer than normal. It didn’t help that he had been tense all day from trying to make sure he didn’t do anything in front of the kids in the school. The last thing that Blake wanted to do was scare them.

After a few minutes of rest, Nick came back out into the main room, and set to work cooking. After laying around for a few more minutes, Blake got up and walked over. Wordlessly picking up a knife, he began to help cut up the food for cooking. Nick let him help silently, the two of them content to work without conversation.

Blake could hear Judy pacing and talking in the bedroom down the hallway; he figured it was her talking to her parents like she normally did. They called on an almost daily basis, and Blake had to wonder how much it annoyed Judy to have to deal with that kind of attention.

After working for about a half an hour, the duo finished cooking the meal. Nick called for Judy, who quickly finished up her phone call and joined them at the table. As they ate, they made small talk, but Blake mostly sat and ate quietly, only offering up one or two comments to the conversation. He could tell that it annoyed Judy a bit, but she did let him eat silently, which he appreciated.

_Least she’s trying to make an effort to understand me. At the very least, she’s letting me be me._

Nick’s phone began to ring, and he stood up, answering the phone. “Hello.”

Nick stiffened upright as he heard the speaker on the other end begin to talk. “Chief? What’s up?” He asked, taking a step away from the table and listening to the conversation. Judy stood up as well, walking over to join Nick as he began to pace and listen. Blake watched them, half interested, before returning to eating his meal.

“I can’t speak for him, but I can ask him.” Nick said, and Blake tensed up instantly. He knew that they had to be talking about him, but he had no idea why. Running back through the day in his mind, he hadn’t done anything to warrant the chief getting involved in his case.

“Like I said, I’ll ask. I won’t force him to do anything. That wasn’t part of the agreement.” Blake relaxed slightly hearing that. Nick wasn’t going to force him to do anything, which meant that Blake had the option to refuse. Depending on what was asked of him, he probably would.

“Yes sir. Yes sir. I’ll shoot you a message when I have an answer. Yes sir. Night.” Nick finished his conversation and returned his phone to his pocket. Shooting Judy a look, he returned to his seat with her, and they both sat down. “Blake.”

Blake looked up at Nick, trying to gauge his expression. “Yeah?”

“That was Chief Bogo.” Nick sighed. “He wanted me to ask you if you’d be willing to meet with someone who would like to see you.”

Blake tried to figure out who he knew in the city that would want to see him. He couldn’t think of anyone, but tried to keep the confusion off his face. “Umm...who exactly wants to see me?”

“Remember the kid from today?” Nick asked, and Blake nodded in response, feeling the tension creep back into his shoulders. “Well, apparently he went home and showed his father the signature.” As Nick spoke, Blake shivered slightly, his ear twitching, as he waited for Nick to continue.

“When his father saw, he apparently asked where his son had gotten that signature. When he found out, he called the station.” Blake felt a coldness fill his chest and run down his back. “He wants to meet you Blake. He’s saying that you saved his life.”


	20. Caretaker

Blake froze, taking a few deep, shuddering breaths. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t even know what to think. All he could do was sit there and try to process what had just been said.

_I saved his life? But...there’s no way. The chances of running into someone who was treated by me are so low._

“How..is he sure?” Blake managed to stammer out, his eyes wide as he stared at Nick. His ear was twitching rapidly as he spoke, and he could feel the rapid ba-dum of his heart beating in his chest.

“He’s one hundred percent sure Blake.” Nick said, leaning forward over the table. “He claims that you saved his life back in two thousand and three, and that he’s been trying to find a way to contact you since he got back here.” Nick sat back, while Judy tapped her foot impatiently on the floor. “He wasn’t able to track you down. By the time he was able to walk again, and was in a position to look for you, you were in ASOC.”

Blake just nodded in response. Unable to form words, to communicate his feelings, he sat there shaking with nervous energy. He didn’t know what to do.

 _Well...if the guy is certain, he must be. Why would he want to meet with me? I mean, sure, according to him I saved his life, and maybe I did provide care, but that was my job._ Blake thought, trying to process the new information. _He doesn’t know the real me; he doesn’t know how badly I’ve messed up, the lives I’ve lost, the ones I failed._

“Why does he even want to speak with me?” Blake asked, half questioning, half stating. “There’s no point. I just did my job.”

“Blake.” Judy said gently, jumping up into her chair. He looked over at her as she rested her hand on his. He almost shied away from the touch, but managed to hold himself still enough to let her try and comfort him. “You may just see it as doing your job, but he doesn’t. What he sees is a chance to speak to the person who saved his life.” She swallowed nervously before continuing. “Not only that, but you saved his family. His son still has a father, his wife still has her husband. All because of what you did to save him. That’s why he wants to see you. He wants to thank you for giving him that second chance.”

 _That second chance that not everyone got._ Blake thought bitterly. “I don’t know if I want to see him.” He muttered. “Besides, he doesn’t know the real me.”

“The real you is you, Blake.” Nick said quietly, and Blake looked over at him, eyes locked on his. “And what if you hurt him by not seeing him?”

A cold chill shot through Blake’s chest. “W-What?” He stammered out, his tail curling around the base of the chair tightly. “How could me not seeing him hurt him?”

“Simple.” Nick shrugged, leaning back in his chair. “Maybe he wants to make sure that you never got hurt. Maybe he wants to see the man who saved his life. Maybe, just maybe, he needs something more to heal too.” Nick looked up at the ceiling, then back at Blake. “Maybe he needs to say thank you to the man who brought him home.”

Blake sat there for a few minutes, processing the information. The only sound was the steady tap-tap-tap of Judy’s foot on the chair. Nick sat there in silence, watching Blake, who was continually looking between the two of them and the table.

 _What if Nick’s right._ Blake finally thought. _What if he does need to at least see me, speak to me, to finish healing. What if he feels the same way I do?_ A cold chill ran down Blake’s spine as he had that thought. _No. I can’t let him suffer that. No matter what, my soldiers come first._

Looking up and finally locking eyes with Nick, Blake swallowed to clear his throat. “Alright.” He said quietly.

“Alright what?” Nick asked, pulling out his phone and looking expectantly at Blake.

“I’ll do it.” Blake said, eyes never leaving Nick’s. “I’ll talk to him. If that’s what he wants, or needs, who am I to deny him that?”

Nick sat there a moment, his eyes locked with Blake’s, reading him. Just as Blake began to shift uncomfortably, Nick nodded. “Ok. I’ll let the chief know, and we will meet him at the station tomorrow.” He looked down at his phone, fingers tapping away a message. The rhythmic sound, combined with the tapping of Judy’s foot, set Blake somewhat at ease.

“You made the right decision, Blake.” Judy said, hopping off her chair and walking over to stand next to him. “And I think that everyone else would agree.”

Blake shrugged in response. “Like I said, if he wants to meet with me, who am I to say no?”

Judy raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms. “I’m sure we both know that you’d be perfectly fine with not speaking to him. Yet you’re willing to go.” She smiled slightly. “You still do care, even if you try and pretend that you don’t.”

A burst of white anger raced through Blake. _How dare she say I don’t care!_ He thought, and just as he was getting ready to open his mouth, he stopped himself. _Well, I guess I haven’t really given her much evidence that I do care._

“I think you’d be surprised at how much I care.” He said gruffly, and stood up. “I’m going to go shower.” He said, and the duo nodded, Nick still texting the chief. Blake walked down the hall to the bathroom and shut the door, locked it, and started running the water.

 _I never thought I’d see any of those guys again._ Blake thought as he stepped into the shower.

_But after what Nick said, I guess I’m doomed to always be their caretaker._


	21. Dreamweaver

_Explosions. Gunfire racing up and down the streets, with the occasional frantic burst of radio traffic coming from the radio. Blake tuned it all out. Instead, he focused on the wolf in front of him, missing both of his legs._

_“It hurts! God it hurts!” The wolf screamed, thrashing underneath Blake as he kneeled on his thighs, using the weight of his body to slow the bleeding._

_“I know buddy.” Blake said, trying to keep his voice calm. He secured the first tourniquet above the amputated leg and pulled a second one out of his bag, which was open and laying right beside him. “I know it hurts. I’ll do something about that soon ok?”_

_“Please, god, just give me something!” The wolf cried out as he thrashed, but Blake was able to secure the tourniquet despite his movement. After verifying that the bleeding was controlled, he shifted off of the wolf’s thighs, kneeling next to him as he continued his assessment._

_Airway, patent. Breathing, equal rise and fall bilaterally. Circulation, bilateral radial pulses. Tourniquets still having positive effect. Blake continued to go through his assessment, and finally began to start working on getting an IV as soon as he knew it was safe too._

_The wolf lay there, moaning in pain. Blake finally managed to land the stick, reaching back towards his bag to draw up the pain medication. As soon as he had the painkiller drawn up, he turned back and froze._

_He was no longer kneeling in a street, with a wolf in front of him. Instead, he was kneeling over an otter. Blake let out a pained gasp and dropped the syringe, clutching at his chest. When he looked down at his hands, they were covered in blood. His blood. Looking back up, Blake saw the room that he had dragged his three fellow ASOC members into the night he had lost Finnaly. Looking back down, he realized he was kneeling over Otterton, who was laying on the floor, moaning in pain._

_After sitting there stunned for a few seconds, trying to process the sight in front of him, Blake managed to pick up the syringe and inject the painkillers. Struggling up to his feet, Blake looked around the room, and saw SGT Oats on the ground, just to the right of Otterton. He could see the blood starting to pool around him. Stumbling as he moved, Blake tried to get to him, but he tripped and fell face first into the soft dirt._

_“Get up! Get up! Get to cover!” He heard someone screaming, and Blake looked around wildly. He was in a poppy field, bullets snapping and cracking overhead. He heard a pained scream and he pushed himself onto his feet, and then the frantic cry of “Medic!” began to come from his left._

_Moving with a purpose, Blake sprinted over towards the frantic cries. He slid into the trench that the wounded soldier was lying in, his hands blood soaked as he tried to put pressure on the wound in his neck._

_Blake quickly set to work packing the wound, and then wrapping it with an elastic bandage. When he was certain he had the bleeding under control, he reassured the wounded mammal that he would be fine, and then sprinted up and out of the trench, heading towards the location of the platoon headquarters element._

_As Blake ran forward, he half ignored all the bullets landing around him. He didn’t stop moving until he reached the wall to the compound they were meant to be searching. As he stacked up on the wall, he fell into the stack as the 2nd man._

_“Breaching!” The point man shouted, but as he turned the corner he caught two rounds and slammed down onto his back. Blake didn’t hesitate. Adjusting his movement, he grabbed the soldier’s vest by the drag handle and began to haul him into cover. As soon as they reached cover, Blake shrugged of his bag and dropped down to his knees, feeling himself thump into the ground._

_The goat was moaning in agony, barely moving on the ground. Blake quickly got his gloves on and did a blood sweep, finding no major bleeds from his neck or extremities. His airway was intact, and black pulled the quick release tabs on the goats vest, lifting it clear of his chest._

_Two holes stared up at Blake, both in the upper torso. Moving swiftly, Blake covered one of them with a hand while the other hand reached into his bag and pulled out his chest seals. Opening the first one, he grabbed it and positioned it to cover the first bullet hole._

_“Exhale, exhale, exhale.” He said loudly, yelling over the gunfire, before pressing the seal down over the wound and smoothing it out, making sure that the seal was good. He repeated the process for the second wound, and then began to assess his patient's breathing._

_The chest rise and fall was greatly reduced, and Blake could tell the goat was struggling to breath. Reaching into his bag, he pulled out a chest decompression needle and felt down the ribs. Upon finding his insertion point, Blake darted the chest, hearing the pop-hiss of air rushing out of the chest cavity as the catheter did its job._

_The soldier shifted slightly, his helmet leaving his head at an odd angle. Unclipping the chinstrap, Blake slipped his helmet off, and then reached down and pulled off his combat goggles. He recognized the face instantly._

_SGT Oats._

Jolting upright, Blake looked around the room, gasping for breath. Breathing deeply, Blake began to think back over the dream, trying to force himself to calm down.

_That was...that was strange. I’ve never had that one before. All the mixing...does any of that mean anything?_

After several minutes, Blake finally managed to calm himself down enough to lay back down. Closing his eyes, he felt himself slowly drifting off to sleep again.

_Hopefully no more dreams this time._


	22. Found

Blake stretched and yawed as he woke, slowly becoming more and more coherent.

 _That was an..interesting dream._ He thought as he sat up, swinging his legs off the cot and onto the floor. He stood, continuing to stretch as he walked down the hall towards the bathroom. “Morning.” He said to Judy as he passed her.

“Morning.” She replied, heading down the hall towards the kitchen.

After getting ready, Blake joined Judy and Nick at the table for breakfast. He ate a little food, but his stomach was twisting and turning with nerves, making it hard for him to eat.

“You ok?” Nick asked, and Blake just nodded in response.

 _It’s just someone that I served with. Just someone who was unlucky enough to get hit. It’s not that big a deal._ Blake kept repeating in his head, but it wasn’t enough to calm him down.

_What if he knows how many times I failed? What if he hates me, or just wants to see me to tell me how I failed?_

“Blake, you’re going to want to eat something.” Judy said gently, sitting next to him. “You’ll get sick if you don’t.”

Blake knew she was right. Taking a breath to try and calm himself, he forced himself to eat the food in front of him, doing it almost on autopilot. He really didn’t taste the food, but his mind was elsewhere, focused on trying to keep his thoughts organized.

 _Maybe we can just keep it short. Let him say his thanks and move on._ Blake thought, and that calmed him down a bit. _If we don’t spend to much time talking, we won’t have to exchange stories or anything like that. Just meet, shake hands, and leave._

The few remaining minutes in the morning passed in a blur. Before Blake knew it, they were heading down to the station, Nick and Judy both in uniform and ready for the day's assignments.

As they entered the station, Blake looked around, scanning for whoever he was supposed to meet. He didn’t see anybody out of the ordinary, and there were no officers waiting with someone. Thankful that he had a few more minutes to compose himself, Blake went to the office while the officers went off to the bullpen for the daily brief.

Sitting down in the office, Blake looked around the room. On the desk the duo shared sat a picture of the two, joking around like they always did. Reaching into his pocket, Blake pulled out the picture of Finnaly and stared at it.

_I miss you, buddy. There isn’t a day that I don’t remember how I let you down, and I’m sorry that I did. I wish I had been good enough to save you._

Blake kept looking at the picture, only looking up as he heard footsteps approaching. Shoving the picture back into his wallet, and putting it back into his pocket, Blake sat up, waiting for whoever was approaching.

Nick, Judy, and Grayston stepped into the office. “Hey.” Blake said, and all three nodded in response, Grayston holding a casefile. The trio sat down in chairs around the office, Blake sitting in his usual chair in the corner.

“Well, we got ourselves a case today.” Judy began, looking over at Blake. “Unfortunately, we’re not allowed to bring you along with us.” Blake nodded in response; he figured that was what would happen if they ever got a serious case. “So we’re going to be leaving you here at the station for the day. You’re scheduled to meet the other soldier around noonish, during the normal lunch break.”

“Alright. Am I meeting him here?” Blake asked, trying to keep his composure as he felt his palms start to get sweaty.

“Yes.” Judy replied, turning in her chair to look at Blake. “Deep breaths, Blake.” She said, locking eyes with him. “I know you’re nervous, but it’s going to be alright. He wants to meet you.”

Blake nodded in response and then leaned back in his chair, closing his eyes. He began to control his breathing, trying to slow it down so he could calm himself down. “Chief Bogo will come get you once he gets here.” He heard Nick say, and Blake nodded his understanding. “If you need anything, just let us know.”

Blake listened as they walked out of the office, their footsteps echoing down the hall. After sitting there for a few minutes, Blake finally opened his eyes. He stood and began pacing around the office, trying to keep himself calm. After nearly ten minutes of pacing, Blake gave up and sat down on the floor, pulling his bag over to him. Opening it up, Blake set to work sorting through the bag and making sure that he had everything he needed inside the bag.

He kept at the task for the rest of the hour, silently making sure that his bag was ready to treat anyone that he could come across. Everything had to be in its place for quick access if needed; and if something was missing Blake made sure to note it so that he could get a new one. His inventory hadn’t changed since the day he had given up his medications, but he still did the inventory every day from force of habit. Eventually, Blake finished packing the bag and stood back up, looking at the clock. It was almost 9a.m., and nobody had come to get him yet. Shouldering the bag, Blake stepped out of the office and into the hallway.

He walked past a few officers, both of whom who nodded their hello’s to Blake, which he returned. Walking out into the general entrance area, Blake moved as stood against the wall where he normally waited, watching the entrance.

_Might as well just wait out here. The less people involved, the better._

Blake watched people and officers come and go from the station. Several officers came back in with perps in handcuffs, and they would head over to the booking desk before heading back to the cells. Civilians would come in either to file actions with the department, or to pay off tickets or anything else they needed to interact with police for. A few members from city hall also showed up, but they just dropped off paperwork and then left, not stopping to speak with anyone there.

Blake watched for awhile, occasionally shifting his position in the room to avoid becoming obvious to those who were in the room. As he sat back down on a bench, a gray wolf stepped into the station, and Blake’s eyes were drawn to his prosthetic legs.

He sat there, frozen. Blake could only look at him and watch, unable to step forward and face him, but he could still recognize the face. His first patient was standing at the entrance to the police station, looking around and starting to walk towards the front desk.

Blake watched as he began to speak to Clawhauser, and finally managed to get to his feet. Stepping around the bench, he began to walk towards the wolf. As he stepped forward, Blake watched the wolf turn to face him as Clawhauser pointed towards him. 

Blake took a final deep breath to calm himself as the wolf began to walk towards him.


	23. Reunion

Blake took a few short steps towards the wolf, but he closed the distance faster than Blake did.

“Doc? Is that really you?” He asked, placing his hands on Blake’s shoulders, looking him up and down. Blake looked up into his face, his eyes locking with his. He remembered every moment of that situation; the gunfire, the screaming, the smell of blood in the air.

Just as Blake began to slip back into memory, he was jolted back into the conversation when the wolf pulled him into a hug. “God man, it’s good to see you.” He said. “We all lost track of you once you were transferred, and everyone feared the worst.” Letting go of Blake, he took a step back, his hands still on Blake’s shoulders.

Blake cracked a slight smile. “Hey man, you guys knew me.” He replied, giving the wolf a friendly punch to the shoulder. “Yall should’ve known that I wasn’t going to get hurt.”

Grinning back at him, the wolf released his shoulders. “Yeah, I guess we should’ve, West. Still, the guys missed you when you left. I’ve kept in touch with most of them.”

“Well, you did better than me in that regard.” Blake replied, gesturing toward the bench as he turned and sat. “I sorta lost track of everyone between everything that was going on.”

“Yeah.” The wolf sat down next to Blake. “I’m not surprised. We managed to find you after your first transfer, but when people tried to reach out to your chain of command, we got told you were no longer there, and they couldn’t pass along any other contact details.”

“Oh. Well...thanks for trying to contact me.” Blake said. “I wish I had been able to contact you guys.”

“What happened?” The wolf asked, giving Blake a look that he knew as one wanting a straight answer.

Blake took a deep breath and slowly let it out. Legally, he wasn’t required to keep his service secret anymore, as he had been discharged. It came down to personal choice; if he wanted to, he could just play it off. Part of him wanted to do that, to just keep it secret and hidden away, but another part knew that his old friend deserved the truth.

“Well...to put it simply, Johnson...ASOC happened.” Blake finally admitted, watching the look of surprise flash across his face.

“ASOC? Really?” He asked, and Blake nodded. A look of pride began to show on Johnson’s face, which Blake took in stride. He was proud now, but if he ever learned what had happened, he wouldn’t be as proud. “Man, you must’ve done good to get that far. You still in?”

Blake shook his head. “Nope, not anymore. Been out for almost a year now.” He replied, hoping that his tone would deter any further questioning.

It didn’t manage to deter as much as Blake had hoped. “So what are you doing now then?” Johnson asked, a smile still on his face. Blake watched his tail twitch, which had always been a tell for Johnson’s excitement.

Blake shrugged, trying to keep his voice casual. “Ah, just this and that. You? Obviously you’re kid’s doing great, but what about you?”

“Oh, it’s been going great! I managed to start working as a painter, and while it’s not the best pay in the world, my wife’s pay and mine together is enough to cover the bills and pay for everything.”

Blake made small talk with Johnson for a while, losing track of time. After several hours of sitting and talking, he finally glanced at the clock, and started when he noticed what time it was. Nick and Judy would be back soon, which meant that Blake either had to get away from Johnson, get him to leave, or he might get more details from them than Blake wanted shared.

“But yeah, Rick was super excited to meet you at the school, especially after he figured out who you were.” Johnson was saying as Blake gathered his thoughts again. “He really looks up to you, even not knowing you all to well. He actually wants to be a medic because of you.”

Blake froze, unable to figure out how to respond.

_Because of me? But I’m a failure as a medic. People died because of me, because of my failures._

“Blake? You ok?” Johnson asked, his tone becoming more concerned as he looked at Blake.

“Huh? Oh, um...yeah, I’m good.” Blake managed to get out, looking down at the ground, then back up at Johnson. Giving him a weak smile, he continued, “Just lost track of time, that’s all.” Blake’s ear twitched as he spoke, his eyes scanning the room for the entry of anyone he would need to avoid.

“Doc, what’s wrong.” Johnson asked, his tone suddenly serious. Blake looked up at him, their eyes locking. He could see the sudden suspicion in the wolf’s eyes. Thinking frantically, Blake tried to come up with some excuse to cover his slip. 

“What do you mean, what’s wrong?” Blake asked, forcing the laugh. “Come on man, it’s me. You know I’m good.” 

“Blake, seriously. What’s going--”

“Hey Blake!” Judy called out, walking up to the duo with Nick in tow. “Ready to head out?” Pausing in front of them, she looked over at Johnson. “Oh, is this the mammal that you were supposed to meet today?”

Blake looked over at Nick, trying to communicate his panic to him with his eyes, but Nick wasn’t paying attention. Instead, he was watching Judy and Johnson.

“Yeah, I am. If you don’t mind me asking, who are you?” Johnson asked, confusion starting to show in his voice.

“Officer Judy Hopps.” She replied, smiling slightly. “This is my partner, Officer Nick Wilde.” Nick nodded politely to Johnson, who nodded back.

“Nice to meet you both.” He said, before turning his attention back to Blake. “So, you’re working as a police officer now, is that it?”

“Ummm...no.” Blake said, looking down at his feet. “Nope, not a police officer.”

“Ok….then why are you here, and why do you know these two?” Johnson asked, his suspicion growing.

“Uh…” Blake trailed off, unable to think of what to say, and not able to look Johnson in the eye anymore. He could hear Judy’s food starting to tap with rhythmic nervousness.

“Blake, what’s going on.” Johnson said firmly. “This isn’t like you. None of this is.”

Blake didn’t answer. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. The last time he had spoken to Johnson, he had been loading him into a helicopter to evacuate him to a hospital. He had been a far more happy-go-lucky mammal than he was now. Now he was trapped, unable to hide from the people he had known before.

“Blake.” He heard Nick say. “Look...you better tell him.”

_Right. Tell him. Tell him and watch him hate me for how badly I messed things up._

“I...I’m sorry.” Blake finally managed to get out, his voice soft and quiet.

“Sorry? For what?” Johnson asked, looking between Blake and the officers as Blake raised his head to look at them as well.

“Nick, just...tell him.” Blake said, before looking back down at his feet.

While Nick began to tell Johnson what he knew, Blake just say there, lost in his own thoughts.  
 _Well this is it. They’re all finally going to learn about what happened to you. Learn about the real you. Nothing you can do to hide it anymore, and maybe it’s for the better. After all, if they do hate me, it just confirms the fact that the fate I have is the one that I deserve._

“Blake.”

“West, look at me.”

Blake lifted his head and looked over at Johnson. As there eyes met, he was surprised at what he saw.

Instead of hate, he saw compassion. Instead of anger, he saw concern. Instead of disgust, he saw worry. The conflict with what he saw and what he expected confused him more than anything else. It didn’t make any sense. He had cost mammals their lives; why was Johnson acting like this?

“God, West. Why didn’t you tell anyone? Why didn’t you try to find any of us?” Johnson asked softly. “You realize that none of that was your fault, right?”

Blake felt himself tense, trying to figure out how to reply.

_They don’t understand. They need to understand._

“That’s just it.” Blake said softly.

“What’s just it?” Johnson asked, shifting closer to Blake.

Blake felt all his anger and frustration begin to build. It mixed with the sadness and regret of all the lives that he had lost. He thought about Oats, Finnaly, everyone. The more he thought about them, the more he saw their faces and knew that he had failed them.

“It was my fault.” Blake looked up at Johnson’s surprised face. “Everyone that I lost, all the mammals who died...it was my fault.” He looked back down at his feet, trying to sort through his thoughts, fighting to keep his emotions in check. “I lost them.” He whispered. “I was their medic, and I failed them.” He began to shake slightly, trying to prevent himself from breaking down, fighting the surge of emotions. Now they knew. All he could do was wait and see what they did knowing the truth.

“Oh, god.” Blake heard Johnson say, and then he felt Judy sitting down on the bench on the other side of him. “West…”

“Blake.” He heard Judy say softly, but he didn’t look up. Blake was fighting back the urge to break down. “Blake...it’s not your fault. You saved plenty of lives.”  
“B-but I didn’t bring them home.” Blake said softly, his tail curling around himself. He felt Judy leaning up against him gently, and for once he didn’t jerk away from the contact, his body shaking slightly. “I was their medic..I was supposed to bring them home and I didn’t.”

“You brought me home.” Johnson said, resting a hand on Blake’s shoulder. “You brought plenty of us home.” Blake heard him take a breath, and then continue, “But you know better than anyone Blake. Sometimes...sometimes you can’t save everyone.”

Blake felt his eyes watering. “I wasn’t able to save Finnaly.” He whispered, leaning against Judy, the tears threatening to spill over. “God...I tried to save him and I couldn’t. I failed him.” 

“Oh, god.” Johnson said, and Blake felt him tense as tears began to slowly slide down his face. “Blake, I’m so, so sorry.”

Blake tried to hold back the tide, but he couldn’t. Everything was spiraling down a different path; one that he hadn’t expected. All he knew is that, for some reason, they didn’t hate him while knowing the truth. The pain of the loss, mixed with the relief, was overwhelming. Blake could do nothing more than lean against the two and cry the tears that he had been holding back for far to long.


	24. The Leap

The next couple of days passed in a blur. Blake wasn’t sure where one day ended or the next began; he was trying to process far to much information all at once.

Nick and Judy had gone above and beyond what they had needed to do. The spent most of their time making sure that Blake was ok, making sure that nothing bad happened to him. They also made sure to catch Johnson up on what had happened, which had meant that Blake hadn’t had to share all those stories again. He was glad for that, as he wasn’t sure that he would have been able to tell them again.

The biggest change was the amount of support he received. Blake was still amazed that everyone still cared, especially after knowing the truth, or at least parts of it. He still didn’t tell them about the exact events in which he had lost his friends, but he did share some other stories. A few of them had left Nick and Judy astounded, with Grayston and Johnson seeming to understand a bit better. While Blake hadn’t asked, he was pretty sure that Grayston had served in the military prior to becoming a police officer.

His daily routine shifted. Instead of spending the day trapped in the police station, talking with random people, he now spent his time with Johnson during the day, and with Nick and Judy at night. Johnson had taken him into his work a few days after they had reconnected and explained the situation to his boss. The support from there had even surprised him, with his boss offering Blake a job as soon as he was ready to work one.

The nightmares hadn’t stopped, but dealing with them had changed slightly. Judy had made Blake promise to wake them if he had any, so they could talk it out and help him calm down, rather than have him return to a disturbed sleep. He had kept that promise, mostly. There were still a few dreams where he didn’t wake them simply because he didn’t want to talk about the dream. They hadn’t seemed to have noticed, and for that Blake was grateful.

There was only one thing still hanging over his head; some options that had been presented to him by Johnson.

He hadn’t pulled any punches when talking to Blake. “Look, I’m going to be honest, you just need to go.” He had said, not really letting Blake try to dodge the discussion. “I can’t force you, but you and I both know that this would be the best option.”

Blake had listened politely as Johnson had explained the therapy program. It was setup by a group of mammals who had also struggled with issues after being discharged from the military. Most had been combat veterans who had simply been forgotten by the system, or overlooked because they were ‘broken’. Blake had said that he would consider it, and Johnson had left the issue at that.

Walking down the street, Blake sighed as he thought over his options again. 

_I really don’t have any. Broken...no, cracked. Cracked, not broken. But I still don’t have any options other than going, yet therapy...what if telling the truth makes other’s hate me?_

Blake knew that he was probably wrong, but he wasn’t able to shake his original fears. The issue was finally forced later that week, when he was at dinner with the group.

They had just finished eating when Nick looked over and locked eyes with Blake. “So.” He began, resting his hands on the table. “What’s the next move?”

Blake shrugged. “Honestly...I don’t know. I’m still..trying to figure everything out.” He sighed heavily, looking from face to face, trying to read their expressions. All he saw was concern and compassion. 

“Have you thought about the idea that I brought up?” Johnson asked, and Blake nodded in response. “Yeah.” he replied, trying to keep his voice casual.

“But?” Nick cut in, giving Blake a no-nonsense look. Blake looked around the table, then down at it.

“I’m still worried that if everyone knows everything that happened, they’ll hate me.” He said softly. “I mean, all of you knew me before all this, or got to know me during it. This group...I just..”

“You’re scared.” Nick cut in again. “It’s natural..but let me ask you something, Blake.” he continued, and his tone caused Blake to look up at him. “What would Finnaly want?”

The question rocked Blake, as he sat upright, trying to think. He could hear the others discussing in the background, almost like they were arguing with Nick, but he didn’t focus on their discussion. Instead, he was trying to think.

_What would he want? To be alive? To...no...no. That’s not what he’s asking. He’s asking me what Finnaly would want me to do about this. What he would say._

A cold chill settled in Blake’s chest, but it was one of nerves, not of fear.

_I already know the answer to that._

“Blake.”

Looking up, Blake locked eyes with Nick, his mind still churning away at the question. “Do you know what he would want you to do?”

Making a snap decision, Blake nodded. “Yes.”

When Nick raised an eyebrow and gestured for him to continue, Blake swallowed nervously. This was it; this was his first moment of truth.

_It’s what he would want._

Looking around the group one last time, Blake felt his ear twitch. Taking a breath, he held it for a second before releasing as he spoke, “When do I leave?”

A few short weeks later, Blake finished unpacking in his new room. The therapy group was a live in, but he had been dropped off by Nick and Judy. The receptionist had told him to finish unpacking, and once he was done, someone would lead him to his group to be introduced. He was so involved in the unpacking, and so anxious, he didn’t even hear his door opening.

“Blake West?”

Jumping slightly, Blake spun around to see an otter standing in the door, a friendly smile on his face. His ear twitched twice. “Yeah, that’s me.”

Stepping forward, the otter offered his hand. “Jace Stream.” Blake shook his hand, trying to read the expression. He couldn’t detect any sign of judgement or hate in the face. “I’m your neighbor, and I guess your guide for the next few days.” Glancing around the room, he nodded once. “You unpacked ok?”

“Yeah.” Blake replied, his tail curling up around his feet as he shifted uncomfortably.

“Cool. Follow me, I’ll lead you to the group.” Jace said, stepping out of the room and down the hallway. Blake followed, his anxiety heightening as they walked. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. He wanted to run, but at the same time he didn’t.

“So what’d you do?” Jace asked, jerking Blake out of his own thoughts.

“Huh? Oh, uh, I was a medic.” Blake replied, and was surprised when he felt Jace pat him on the shoulder.

“Same. And relax. Trust me, nobody here is going to judge you for what happened.” As he opened the door, he turned to face Blake as he stepped forward. “Besides, everyone in this group is a medic. It’s smaller, but everyone understands.” 

Blake nodded as he entered, entering the room nervously. Looking around, he saw a goat, another otter, and a wolf. Each of them looked up at him, but none of them seemed to be judging him. The sense of comradery that Blake had felt in the military returned slightly, and he took one of the two open seats, sitting forward in the chair as his ear twitched again.

“Blake?” The wolf asked, and he nodded in response. “So, what are you here for?”

Blake looked around the group again. In each face all he saw was concern. All he saw was compassion and worry for a fellow brother in arms, a fellow medic. Even as he felt the nervous pit in his stomach grow, he knew that it was ok for him to admit it. It was ok to say it.

“Well..” he began, and then paused. He wasn’t sure if he could do it.

_If not for yourself, do it for them._

Taking a deep breath, Blake locked eyes with Jace, who nodded encouragingly.

“I’m here because of issues from deployment. I’m here because...because I suffer from post-traumatic stress disorder.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that's it for Hidden Wounds. Tomorrow I'll put up the first chapter of Dancing with Demons, and then continue writing on from there. Once I've gotten some solid rest, that is. Hopefully everyone who hasn't read this story has enjoyed it, and as always, happy reading!


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